Monty Viper and the Holy Bicket
Scenes 1-4
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Scene 1
[wind] [clop clop]
RAZOR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
SHIRO: Halt! Who goes there?
RAZOR: It is I, Christopher Razor, son of Other Razor, from the castle of
Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
SHIRO: Pull the other one!
RAZOR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and
breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at
Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SHIRO: What, ridden on a horse?
RAZOR: Yes!
SHIRO: You're using coconuts!
RAZOR: What?
SHIRO: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
RAZOR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through
the kingdom of Mercea, through--
SHIRO: Where'd you get the coconut?
RAZOR: We found them.
SHIRO: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
RAZOR: What do you mean?
SHIRO: Well, this is a temperate zone.
RAZOR: The toucan may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber
may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
SHIRO: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
RAZOR: Not at all, they could be carried.
SHIRO: What -- a toucan carrying a coconut?
RAZOR: It could grip it by the husk!
SHIRO: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of
weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
RAZOR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that
Christopher from the Court of Camelot is here.
SHIRO: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a toucan needs to beat
its wings 43 times every second, right?
RAZOR: Please!
SHIRO: Am I right?
RAZOR: I'm not interested!
DROZ: It could be carried by an African toucan!
SHIRO: Oh, yeah, an African toucan maybe, but not a European toucan, that's my
point.
DROZ: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
RAZOR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SHIRO: But then of course African toucans are not migratory.
DROZ: Oh, yeah...
SHIRO: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop]
DROZ: Wait a minute -- supposing two toucans carried it together?
SHIRO: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
DROZ: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SHIRO: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
DROZ: Well, why not?
Scene 2
SARLAKK: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
KAHUNA: Here's one -- nine pence.
TYPHOON: I'm not dead!
SARLAKK: What?
KAHUNA: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
TYPHOON: I'm not dead!
SARLAKK: Here -- he says he's not dead!
KAHUNA: Yes, he is.
TYPHOON: I'm not!
SARLAKK: He isn't.
KAHUNA: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
TYPHOON: I'm getting better!
KAHUNA: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
SARLAKK: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
TYPHOON: I don't want to go in the cart!
KAHUNA: Oh, don't be such a baby.
SARLAKK: I can't take him...
TYPHOON: I feel fine!
KAHUNA: Oh, do us a favor...
SARLAKK: I can't.
KAHUNA: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
SARLAKK: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
KAHUNA: Well, when is your next round?
SARLAKK: Thursday.
TYPHOON: I think I'll go for a walk.
KAHUNA: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can
do?
TYPHOON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop]
KAHUNA: Ah, thanks very much.
SARLAKK: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
KAHUNA: Right. [clop clop]
SARLAKK: Who's that then?
KAHUNA: I don't know.
SARLAKK: Must be a king.
KAHUNA: Why?
SARLAKK: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[clop clop]
RAZOR: Old woman!
TOBY: Kat!
RAZOR: Kat, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
TOBY: I'm thirty seven.
RAZOR: What?
TOBY: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
RAZOR: Well, I can't just call you `Kat'.
TOBY: Well, you could say `Toby'
RAZOR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Toby'
TOBY: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
RAZOR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--
TOBY: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
RAZOR: Well, I AM king...
TOBY: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the
workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the
economic an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be
any progress--
TARE: Toby, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
RAZOR: How do you do, good lady. I am Christopher, King of the Britons. Who's
castle is that?
TARE: King of the who?
RAZOR: The Britons.
TARE: Who are the Britons?
RAZOR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
TARE: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
TOBY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. ..... A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
TARE: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
TOBY: That's what it's all about if only people would--
RAZOR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
TARE: No one lives there.
RAZOR: Then who is your lord?
TARE: We don't have a lord.
RAZOR: What?
TOBY: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to
act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
RAZOR: Yes.
TOBY: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special
biweekly meeting.
RAZOR: Yes, I see.
TOBY: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
RAZOR: Be quiet!
TOBY: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
RAZOR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
TARE: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
RAZOR: I am your king!
TARE: Well, I didn't vote for you.
RAZOR: You don't vote for kings.
TARE: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
RAZOR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering
samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine
Providence that I, Christopher, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is
why I am your king!
TOBY: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for
a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the
masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
RAZOR: Be quiet!
TOBY: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
watery tart threw a sword at you!
RAZOR: Shut up!
TOBY: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some
moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
RAZOR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
TOBY: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
RAZOR: Shut up!
TOBY: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm
being repressed!
RAZOR: Bloody peasant!
TOBY: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh?.... That's
what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?