SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron 'SWAT Kats: The Gathering - Part 4' "Differences Of The Same" by Nicholas 'Eat Spam From The Can' Ball Opening Soliloquuy: Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew, Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd his canon, 'Gainst self-slaughter. In other words, I'm in a bit of a predicament. 'What predicament?' you may ask? You'd be better off asking 'Which predicament?', but I'll answer you anyway, being the insouciant dilletant that I am. My predicament was what to write about in this next chapter of 'SWAT Kats: The Gathering'. I was reading part 3, and I reached the end, when I thought "Gee, Jade painted herself into a bit of a corner, look at the story - the TurboKat's in pieces! They hate each other! Only one wish left! And the Pastmaster's winning! I wonder how she'll write her way out of that..." Then I realised that it was MY duty to write the next part. 2 weeks later I was off the anodynes, and champing at the bit to write the next part. Sure, I didn't know what to write about, but who really worries about THAT little detail? I know Steven King and John Grisham don't... Anyway, I was also racking my mind for some sort of in reference to put in this story. A few more Dr Who companions? 'Yay! It's Adric!' Perhaps another reference to Sam and Max? In the end, I came up with it. I thought I'd put myself in it. Then I realised that my existance in the story would undermine the entire SK universe and story-line as it had been constructed so far, so thoroughly constructed by so many of you careful workers. Obviously, I wrote myself in right away. All references to the horror that is Magic: The Gathering are taken from scarring experiences I have personally experienced in the past. But enough on that. I'm sure you all want to get onto the story now. Incidentally, this story is dedicated to all of the following people: P.I. Hackle - For starting this series. Jade F. Callan - For writing part 3 and for 'being there'. Justin Bennett - For letting me use his Internet. My RPG pals - For helping me waste all my time so productively. Marie Clawson - For being so nice and complimentary, dammit! DJ Clawson - For running the archive. Strike - For all the complex e-mails. Me - For actually making sense for once. You - For actually getting this far. SWAT Kats: The Gathering - Part Four "Differences Of The Same" A week had passed since the 'Ireland' experience, but the whole event was still fresh in Jake and Chance's minds. Jake had not used his last wish yet - though there had been some close encounters. Phrases such as 'I wish I could have seen that look on Feral's face' and 'I wish I was at home watching Litterbin' were now contraband, and Jake often caught himself dangerously close to losing their chance at having ANYTHING, all for a menial 'gift' such as having all the auto work for that day done, or for Chance to stop pestering him. The jet was hardly reassembled at all, and Chance would spend every free moment pestering Jake about his 'responsibility', not understanding how hard it is to give up a present of absolutely anything you ever desired, a present that was literally one in a million, or of even higher odds, and one you knew you would never get a chance to receive again. Jake sighed and returned to working on the carborator. "Could you pass me that wrench, buddy?" asked Jake. Chance worked on in silence. "Can you pass me the wrench, please?" The sound of silence roared through the garage. "Could y-" "Why don't you WISH for it?" "Right, that's it!" Jake rarely lost his temper, but then again, he'd never been under so much pressure before, especially from a friend. "This has gone on far enough! I've had it! You've just nagged at me at every living moment - 'Why don't you make the wish, Jake?' 'C'mon, buddy, you said a few days, now make the wish' Do you realise what kind of pressure I'm under? This isn't easy for me!" "Then just make the wish, and it'll be over and done with." "Rrrrr! You don't understand! I'd like to see how you'd cope with this heavy burden on YOUR shoulders!" Jake and Chance now stood face to face, and they took turns in poking the other whilst they spoke. "Oh, yeah? I could do it" Chance poked his paw at Jake's chest. "Easy." "Don't tempt me, Chance..." "Why not? What are you going to do? Wish for me to disappear? Give it up, kat" "Chaaannncceee...." Jake's warning tone rose with a growl. Chance poked Jake again. "We need the jet. You always say 'Wait for tomorrow, wait for tomorrow'. We can't 'wait for tomorrow' for the rest of our lives! Make the wish! We've worked on the TurboKat for 3 weeks now, and we've hardly got the ENGINE together! What about the weapons systems? What about the actual jet itself? It..will..take..a..year!" He poked Jake to emphasize each word. "Chance!" "We've been lucky that we haven't been needed to protect the city over the past few weeks! Do you think they can go a YEAR without the SWAT Kats?? Do you think FERAL and the ENFORCERS can manage? Criminey, Jake! Once we slept in for 10 minutes too long, and the entire city had almost fallen to Viper!" Chance poked Jake again. "Stop that!" Jake knocked Chance's paw aside. Chance was quickly snapped back to his senses, and he had a terrible sense of guilt. "Oh...sorry, buddy. I don't know what came over me. Listen, you go on upstairs, I'll finish up down here" he muttered, looking down. "No, I've got to get this carborator done by 4. Now can I have the wrench?" "Oh..sure. I'm sorry. I guess it must be hard to make that wish. We'll wait until tomorrow, anyway. I just wish it was me who had to make the wish, and not you." "Me too" agreed Jake. The roaring silence of realisation deafened them. "Oh no!" they yelled in unison. "Did you? Did you?" "I don't know. I didn't actually SAY the wish, I just....wished it" "Oh no! Check to make sure." "How?" "Come on." They stood at the edge of the hangar for a few moments, in total silence. "Okay...I wish...that we had our TurboKat back together, in perfect working order, back in our hangar. No strings attached" said Jake, with his eyes closed. When he opened them, the jet was still all in pieces. "Damn" muttered Chance. "I suppose I'll have to do it" "No, we can always wait until tomorrow. Come on, let's go" "No, I've got to do this now, Jake. I've just realised how hard it is to give up everything for something...and if I don't do it now, I don't think I ever will...I wish that we had the TurboKat together again" There was a flash of light, and all the parts of the TurboKat flew through the air, as though stuck in an invisible hurricane. They all spun and connected to each other, like clockwork. Within 30 seconds, the TurboKat was reassembled, and looked as good as new. Better, even. Jake watched in awe, temporarily speechless from the spectacle that he had just observed. He thought, as Chance did, that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. Eventually, Jake managed to speak. "...That was a big thing you did then, Chance" Chance was temporarily silent, as he thought over what he just did. His wish was gone...was that how Jake would have felt? "...Yeah. I don't see how you managed to hold out for a week, especially with me teasing you all the time about it. Sorry about that" Jake wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, and Chance did the same. They hugged each other tightly for several minutes. Jake was the first to speak, minutes later. He would have spoken sooner, but he could hardly breathe at the time. "All's fine now. Let's go upstairs and watch some Scaredy-Kat." They walked upstairs, each respecting each other more than they could have possibly imagined. ******************** The two Kats sat on the couch in the main part of the garage, as they so frequently do in these types of openings. The third person was still being used to describe their activities. On closer inspection, it was revealed that even the third person writing technique was being written about in the third person writing technique, as was the revelation that the writing style used to decribe that the writing style describing the third person writing technique was. Similarly, the third person writing technique was even found in the previous sentence, describing how the writing style of the writing style that described the writing style that the style that all of the Kat's actions was written in, was written in the third person narrative technique but then the author took some pills and dialogue took over from the third person narrative style... "Oh well. No more wishes" remarked Jake. "Yeah, it's a real pity. I was hoping for a reason to become more uptight. I just wish I knew what was going on, especially at the center of all this." He held up a Magic card, but only briefly, as they both vanished in a puff of smoke, allowing the card to flutter to the ground. ******************************** Day 1, 8:30 am Jake and Chance appeared in a large hall, filled with humans. Most of the humans were male, overweight and of the non-athletic type. There was a long table that stretched the hall, with many people sitting at either side. A banner declared '72 hour Magic: The Gathering Play-a-thon'. Jake and Chance sat on the same side of the long, table, side by side, as they had been sitting on the couch. There were two chairs opposite them. A man in a tuxedo sat on the chair opposite Chance, and he rested a briefcase on the one opposite Jake. "Ah, Jake, Chance, so nice of you to...pop in" "Whuh? Huh? Whuh huh?" "You're obviously still a little disorienated. I'll talk to you both whilst you adjust to your new settings. My name is John. My job is tell you" he pointed to Chance "everything that's going on, especially in relation to this Magic business. Your wish was for YOU to know, though I can't see any reason as to why Jake shouldn't be allowed to listen in also" "Whu? Wish?" "Yes, your wish. You made another wish, remember?" "But Chance used my last wish up. He didn't have any more." "No, I'm afraid it wasn't as simple as that. You see, when you wished that Chance could make the wish, you actually used the wish up. The entire universe was about to collaspe in on itself at such a paradox, but then it realised that all could easily be fixed by slightly changing time" "Changing time?" "Yes, changing time. Sorry if I'm talking a bit fast, but I have to go in about 5 minutes, and time's against me. Anyway, when Chance picked up his packet of cards in the field of clover, he actually got more than he bargained for." "I did?" "Actually, you didn't. But Jake made his wish, and then history was altered so that you did. You picked a four-leaved clover when you picked your packet of cards up, just in case you were wondering. Lucky you. If you want to look at it, I think you'll find it in your left pants pocket, along with your cards" Chance rummaged through his pocket and pulled out a two-leaved clover. "Hey, I thought you said it was a FOUR-leaved clover..." "I did say that it was a four-leaved clover, and it WAS a four-leaved clover. However, you made two wishes, one for the TurboKat, and one for the explanation I'm giving you now. You, see, a leaf drops off for each wish you make. I think I should mention at this point also, that you can't give your wishes to anyone else or wish for more wishes. Anyway, you've already spent 2 wishes, so 2 leaves have dropped off, leaving 2 leaves still on, signifying that you have 2 more wishes. I'll give you a moment for that thought" There was a pause, as they kats thought the concept over in their heads. "Okay, I wished that Chance could make the wish, and my wish came true in the form that he got a four-leaved clover he didn't have previously, but was accountable for receiving, so he then got 4 wishes, and he's already used two, making us get the TurboKat back and for us to get the very complex explanation we're getting now, leaving him with two left." "Yes, that's right. You understand, don't you, Chance?" "100 percent" he said. "But why the rush? And what are we doing here?" "Well, I have to walk out THAT door", John said, pointing to a red door "in 3 minute's time, so that I may be attacked by thugs who believe that I am carrying a substantial quantity of money, from the way that I am dressed" replied John, as he tugged at his tuxedo. "Excuse me?" asked Chance. "Right. Now it gets...complicated. I am a man who knows of the future and all that is going on in the world today. That is how I knew that you two would materialise in those 2 chairs I kept empty for you, and how I can explain your current predicament. I got my 'special power' of foresight and knowledge as a gift from one of the Gods. Unfortunately, it came at a price, and that was that I gave up being a master of my own destiny. I knew that I would have to come here in this morning with this briefcase, wearing this tuxedo, so I could talk to you, and then get mugged, after I walked out that door, and spend 2 weeks in hospital, seeing as my 3rd left rib brakes off 2 minutes 39 seconds into the attack, piercing my left lung, and making me lie there for 5 hours before the paramedics are called by Mr Tony Sneddon of Ipswitch, who will win the lottery when aged 78, but then dies from a heart-attack from the surprise." The kats sat there, not knowing what to think, or say. "I know you think it must be horrible knowing exactly what's going to happen to you, and being helpless to prevent it, but there's always the upside to it, in how I can go around performing good deeds for all of humanity" John stood up and walked over to one particular child who was looking at a laminated Magic: The Gathering card featuring a dragon on it. He took out his wallet, and gave the child about 500 dollars, in exchange for the card. Then he walked back. "Um...are we going to need that in the future?" asked Jake, pointing to the card. "This? Oh, no. In five minute's time he would have accidently slashed his left wrist with this edge of it". He pointed to an edge on the card, before handing it to Jake. Jake took the card as carefully as possible, lest he suffer the same fate. John laughed. "No, don't worry, Jake. I said HE would slash his wrist on it - YOU won't." "But I thought you said that you weren't a master of your own destiny" quirked Chance. "I'm not, I'm afraid" John glanced at his watch "One minute. I am not a master of my own destiny, but I can control OTHER'S. For instance, I know that by giving Jake that card, I have saved that child's life, and have also assured that Jake win a game of Magic: The Gathering. Oh yes, Magic: The Gathering. Now I WILL be brief. You have been transported here because of your wish, Chance. Jake came too, but I won't go into that now. Here are the rules of the game "Magic: The Gathering". Yes, it's a game in this world. Here they all carry replica's of your cards, and use them in pretend battles. The creatures on the cards don't come to life, or anything dangerous like that. Incidentally, whilst you are here, Chance and Jake, you mustn't use the REAL cards. You must play with the replica's also. Anyway, you are at a pretend battle tournament, and you must play any person who sits in either of these chairs in such a pretend battle. Play by their rules, and not your own. Due to your sudden relocation, I'm afraid that you can't get up from those seats, and you must sit there until everyone in the room has left, which will occur 5 minutes after the tournament ends - these people aren't very sociable, I think you might have noticed. Anyway, after they've all gone, Chance must use a wish to take you two back to the garage. The last wish, however, he can use how he wishes, pardon the pun. I'm sorry that I've been so brief, but I've got a date with destiny and extreme violence" John stood up, and put the briefcase on the table in front of the two kats. "But, wait, how long do we have to stay?" "71 hours and 35 minutes" remarked John, without thinking twice. "I'm afraid it only started half an hour ago." "Hey! You forgot your briefcase! John! John!" John was hurrying to get to the red door. He turned and yelled over the din. "The briefcase is for you! Good bye and good luck!" And with that, he left. The kats sat there, puzzled, for quite some time. Jake leant over and pulled the briefcase towards him. He opened it. Inside there was food, drink, a few magazines and a tape recorder, which was currently taping. Jake hit the 'Stop' button, and then the 'Rewind'. He pushed the 'Play'. The tape recorder told him "-Chance and Jake, you mustn't use the REAL cards. You must play wit-" Jake smiled and hit 'Stop', followed by 'Rewind'. He had wanted to hear everything that John had said a second time, and John had managed to plan it so he had. What an amazing person. ********************** Day 1, 12:30 pm "C'mon, you've gotta do your move NOW!" persisted the adolescent. "Why? What's your hurry? You got A.D.D or something?" snarled Chance. He'd spent the last 4 and a half hours playing the same kid, and he was starting to get on his nerves. No, he was already on his nerves. In that case, he was starting to dance on his nerves. "Yes, I do have A.D.D" said the guy. "...Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" said Chance, genuinly sorry. "Don't be - Advanced Dungeons and Dragons rules! Now do your move!" Chance growled and flipped a card over. ********************** Day 1, 2:45 pm Jake was having problems. The boy that he had to play wore glasses that had lenses that were thicker than double-glazing, and he kept staring at Jake, whilst he tried to learn the rules. He'd just lost his 21st consecutive game, and kept on losing his place whilst trying to learn rule 27 a) iii). "Heh heh, mere mortal - do you dare take on the mighty sorceror Alvin again?" Jake looked up from his rule book. "Can I say 'no'?" "No, mortal. You cannot. Heh heh" Jake sighed. "Yes" "Heh heh, foolish mortal. You have chosen to battle the mighty sorceror Alvin despite your past 21 losses to him. I will make your defeat swift this time, by using folder 14" Alvin stood up, and picked up a folder labelled '14', revealing that he had not been sitting on a chair at all, but on his folders, all of which contained his Magic cards that he'd spent years and money collecting. Jake shuddered at the thought of this 19 year old spending all that time and money doing so, and went back to his rule book, to try 27 a) iii) for the 8th time... ********************* The Past-master watched everything through his portal. Jake and Chance no longer hated each other...but they were enduring enough torment to satisfy his sadistic urges for the time being. The Past-master picked up his remote control, and changed the channel so he could watch 'Birds Of A Feather' on the portal. It takes all types. ********************* Day 1, 7:54 pm "No, no, you have to TAP the Mana first!" lectured Ben. "I am tapping my Mana!" Chance countered. "No you're not - you have to turn the cards on SIDEWAYS." "Oh, the card Mana!" Chance sighed and turned the cards sideways. "No, that's the draw pile" commented Jake, who thought, quite scarily, that he was getting the hang of it. "No THAT'S the draw pile, THAT'S the discard pile, and I'd prefer it if you'd call them the Library and the Graveyard" interrupted Ben, pointing. Jake gave Chance a puzzled look. Library? Graveyard? Chance returned the look with one that said 'Help me'. *********************** Day 1, 11:09 pm Chance leant back in his chair, reading a magazine. Jake was hunched over the table-top, still trying to catch on. "Look", said Edwarde, "it's very simple - The Black Mana 'X' symbol means that the spell takes 'X' Black mana to perform, which in this case is any number, plus one" "Okay", sighed Jake, "let's make 'X' equal to negative one. Now, I can use the spell-" "No" said Edwarde, grabbing his paw, stopping him from touching the spell "Let's not. Let's follow the rules. According to Rule 27 Part A, Section Triple 'i', 'X' has to be equal to 10. Do you have 11 Black Mana?" "Um..." "No, you do not. So you can't do the spell. Dimbo." "I'm not a dimbo." "Fine then - do a spell...dimbo." ************************ Day 2, 2:30 am "Hey, mister! Wake up, mister!" "Felina? S'at you?" "Felina? I'm Sarah" Chance woke up with a start. "Can I play you?" "I..uh...whuh?" "Can I play you?" "I...oh..um, sure. You can play me" Chance couldn't believe his eyes. A GIRL. A girl at a Magic: The Wondering play-a-thon. He'd met so may weird guys, and here was a girl, a normal gi- "Okay. I'll be Sorceress Macarena. That's a joke, by the way" Sarah continued after the pause "because there's a cool dance known as the Macarena." "Macarena?" "Haven't you heard it? Oh, I see you've got a tape-recorder there. Here I'll put my endless loop tape of it in." Chance shuddered as he heard the song for the 36th time whilst playing Sorceress Macarena. With a female - they could breed. Breed more of their kind...he had taken some hope in the fact that none of the people he had met that day would ever procreate - for the obvious reasons. Now, his world was turned upsidedown.... *********************** Day 2, 9:30 am Sorceress Macarena was still playing Chance when Jake woke up. No-one had bothered him in the night, and he woke up feeling slightly refreshed, though there was a song that he couldn't get put of his head...an annoying song whose lyrics made no sense whatsoever...in fact, the song was playing now. Jake looked sleepily across at the tape-recorder. "Has that thing been playing all night?" "Yes" replied a very tired Chance. "Alllll night" "I think it's been subconsciously registered in my brain. I can no longer remember my name" "It's Jake" said Chance. "I think. Check your wallet. That's how I managed to remember that my name's "Change".' "Change? That doesn't sound right" "Of course it doesn't sound right. You've been listening to the Macarena all night" "The Macarena? What's the Macarena?" "It's the cool music that I've been playing" said a very untired Sarah. She seemed to be bustling with energy. Jake sat there, not saying anything. Chance sat there motionless also. Sarah packed her cards up and walked off, leaving them to their mini-comas. The tape continued to play. "Ssss..ss..sstt..sttoop the tape" muttered Jake, not moving. "I..I..c.cc.c.can't" said Chance. "I..cc.cccan't move" "Nnn..nn..neither c.ccan I" muttered Jake. And they sat there for 2 hours, until their brains started working again, and one of them developed enough sensory and motor abilities to shut the tape off. ****************** Day 2, 2:00 pm "I've known of more horror-filled things" a teenager remarked casually. "Really?" said the stranger, putting his $265 Magic card away. "Yeah - I heard that one of you fans actually had a girlfriend. Though it might have been a sister. Or", he continued, "a peculiar brother" "You don't like Magic: The Gathering, do you?" "How observant. No, I don't" "Then why are you here? I think it would be sad if you just came here to knock people" the stranger said, anticipating his reply. "One of my...friends...has a peculiar taste and...likes...all of this." The teenager continued, waving his arm about the room. "He encouraged me to come. I did. Now he's off somewhere, and I'm on my own" "Have you ever played it?" the stranger asked. "No. I haven't." "Well, come and play it! I'll teach you how. You've got to play it, before you can spay it" "........OK." Nick walked off, after the stranger, not realising that he'd just made one of the worst decisions of his life. *********************** Day 2, 3:30 pm "Good-bye! I hope you had fun! Be sure to tell your friends about the whole world of Magic: The Gathering!" "No" muttered Nick, as he speedily left the stranger's presence "because I want to keep them" A group of Magic fans brushed past Nick, and a folder touched his shirt. Nick made a vow to burn his clothes after this, and rushed off to the bathroom, to splash water on his face, and make sure that he wasn't suffering in his own delusional version of hell after eating too many space-food sticks. *********************** Day 2, 8:30 pm Jake and Chance had had a reasonably quiet day. Whenever someone approached Jake for a game, he spoke hysterical Spanish at them, which was in fact the lyrics to the Macarena which were indeed inscribed on his brain, and Chance managed to stop anyone from playing with him by trying to convince them that HE was their alias. Someone approached Jake - "Ce la homme pueto eno! Si ni hable sa en semble est en casa!!" The person left, and Jake smiled to himself. They found it easy to scare him, and now he found it easy to scare them. A similar challenge faced Chance, when a 17 year old sat in the chair that faced Chance. "Okay, let's play. I'm Wotan Skulcrusher" "No, no..wait. I'M Wotan Skulcrusher" Chance countered. "Wha? What do you mean? I'm Wotan Skulcrusher." "Listen, I'M Wotan Skulcrusher!" "Look I-" "I'M Wotan Skulcrusher!!" "Um..um..sure you are..Wotan" the teenager stammered as he got out of the chair. "I wish they'd all just stay away from us!" complained Jake. "I know! Not to worry, we've reached half way. I reckon we can hang out for the rest of the-" A person sat down in Chance's chair. "Let's battle, fellow wizard! I am known as Fgtslkjlrujhselk." "No, no..wait. I'm Fg..Fg..Fgts..I'm you, okay?" "I'm sorry?" "I'm you. I'm the person you are" "Oh, right. I've never played against myself before. I wonder what it's like" Sorceror Fgtslkjlrujhselk said, getting his cards out. "I bet I'll find out, though, because I've still got another 15 hours here!" Chance sat there, helpless. A person approached Jake's chair. "Ne se pullo a se hablo ci muchacho!" he urged. "Oh, se hable espanol? Buon! Est rano in mea bideto!" said the player, taking his cards out. "And since you like Spanish so much, I bet you'll get a kick out of this. It's an awesome tune that was originally a Spanish one. Mind if I use your cassette player? No? Great!" the player continued in English, placing a tape in the tape-player. A familiar tune came out the speaker. "Oh, wow! I love the Macarena! Turn it up! Turn it up!!" said Sorceror Fgtslkjlrujhselk. Jake turned to Chance. "Please kill me" he begged. "Only if you kill me" Chance stated. ******************** Day 3, 10:15 am "Are you still here?" Jake asked. "Yes" "Don't you want to go off...and play someone else?" "No..why would I want to do that?" "With the exception of that one game that I won at about 1:37 am you've won 35 games. Don't you get tired of keeping on beating me? Don't you want to play someone else? Someone better?" "Not really...I like to keep beating you." Jake sighed and shuffled the cards again. ******************** Day 3, 4:45 pm "Is there any food left in the briefcase?" Jake asked. "No", replied Chance. There was an uneasy pause. "What IS left in the briefcase?" "A copy of Time, Newsweek, the rules to Magic: The Gathering and the tape recorder" There was another pause. "What happened to the copy of Who?" "I ate it" Yet another pause. "Pass the Newsweek." ********************* Day 3, 11:58 pm "Goooddd, I'mm sooo hungrrryyy" whined Chance. "Try not to think about it" said Jake, thinking about it. "There has GOT to be something to eat" "Nope, the briefcase is empty" said Jake. "Wait a minute...the briefcase!" "Yes?" "The briefcase!" "Yes? What about th- no! We can't Chance! Its inhumane!" Chance eyed the briefcase hungrily, wondering if the leather finish tasted like chicken. "We can't, Chance! It's what separates us humans from the animals! The minute that we start to eat that briefcase, the minut-" "Jake, what did you say?" "I said 'The minute we start to eat that briefcase, the'-" "No, no. Before that" "I said...'It's inhumane! It's what separates us humans from becoming animals!' because if we-" "Jake. We ARE animals." "Huh? What?" "We're kats - we're not humans. Look. We're furry." "Oh...you're right. I guess we ARE animals" said Jake. "I bags the handle" he added. ************************************* Day 4, 5:59 am Jake woke up with a start. He had barely slept at all, with his hunger pains, but his fatigue had managed to knock him out for a few hours. When he focused his eyeballs, he noticed that there was someone sitting in the chair opposite him. "Hey! Mister! Can I have that card? I'll do anything!" "Food..." Jake mumbled. "Excuse me?" said Michael. "Need..food...already..eaten..briefcase...low..on..resources" "Briefcase? Resources? What are you on about?" "Ate..handle...and...lining" "What??" "..Need...food" said Jake, weakly, and passed out again. *************** Day 4, 6:15 am "Jake! Wake up!" "Whu? Nuuhhh?" mumbled Jake. "Wake up, Jake! Food!" "There isn' any. Go ba' t' sleep" mumbled Jake, not waking up. "I've got some food! Here!" Chance shoved a few Burger Rings into Jake's mouth. Jake chewed slowly, then jolted awake. "Food!!" he yelled exstatiacally. He saw that Michael was standing there, offering him a packet of Burger Rings. "Th..th..thank you" stammered Jake, and ate them in ravenous hunger. "But what I didn't know was, how did you know that we were hungry?" Chance asked Michael. Jake stopped eating. "Uh..Chance..I sorta..told him about the briefcase...incident" "...You TOLD him?" "I was hungry!" "So was I! But I didn't go around telling people about the time I reduced myself to eating a BAG!!" "Sorry, Chance, it was the only way I could get him to get us food" "....I s'pose. This IS better than the leather finish", Chance said, with a smirk. ".....what did the leather finish taste like?" Jake asked. "Beef jerky" Chance conceeded, "Moist beef jerky". "So you guys really did eat a briefcase, then?" asked Michael. "Uhhhhh.....yeah. There were circumstances. I mean, we don't normally eat briefcases, you know..." Chance began. "Yeah. We usually keep ourselves to food." "So what did you eat before you started on the briefcase?" "Umm...magazines...and...other pieces of paper" said Jake. "Yeah...I ate Who Weekly, and Jake ate Newsweek. We shared Time." "You...shared...Time? Uh huh." "Yeah" said the embarrased Chance. "I..see..." said Michael. "Still...as long as I have my 'Dragon Of Nastyhisshissevilbadthingspushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeupsupercalifra- gelisticexspedaladociousgiveitawaygiveitawaygiveitawaynow5'-" "Your what?" "My 'Dragon of Nastyhisshissevilbadthingspushthelittledaisiesandma- kethemcomeupsupercalifragelisticexspedaladociousgiveitawaygiveitawaygiveit- awaynow5'. You know. The card you gave me, so I'd get the food." "Card? What card did I give you?" asked Jake. Michael held up the card that John had bought earlier for 500 bucks. "Oh, THAT!" said Chance "You can have THAT!" "Yeah, I know. That's why I got the food." observed Michael, matter- of-factly. "...How much is the card worth?" asked a suspicious Chance. "In this condition...300 bucks. Tops." "THAT card is worth 300 bucks? And you got it for 5 bucks worth of chips??" "Easy, Chance. We got the chips, didn't we?" "Yeah, but not through the goodness of his heart, but through the fact he knew he'd make his money back 100 times!" "Yeah...it does seem sort of leacherous, doesn't it?" "Welcome to the real world" Michael said, and walked off, smarmy as ever. "Can't wait to get back to ours" muttered Jake. "Ditto, buddy" muttered Chance, and went back to sleep. ****************** Day 4, 8:13 am Jake woke up with a start, expecting to have to face another teenager in 5 hours worth of Magic games, but was, to his delight, wrong. The entire hall was empty, expect for his partner, snoring heavily, next to him. "Wake up, Chance!" Chance snored all the louder. "Chhaannnccee! Wake up!" "I'll play you in a second. Tap the mana." "Chance! It's me!" "Huh? Whu? Whu - oh, hi Jake. What?" "Look around you" "What? I don't - they've gone! I can't believe it! They've all gone! We won, Jake! We won!" called Chance exstatically. His voice echoed throughout the hall. "Yes, we won. Now can we PLEASE go home?" "We won! We won!! They tried to bring us down with scary teenagers, briefcases and the Macarena, but we still won!" "Chance - home" "We're the Magic SORCEROR'S, and we lost to all those Magic players, and we still won!" "Chaanncee! Home!" "Huh?...Of course! I wish that we were back at home!" And in a puff of smoke, they were. ********************** Jake and Chance materialized on the sofa. It took them a minute to get their thoughts together, but seeing as their thoughts consisted of desires to use the toilet, eat and sleep, it was no major loss to them. Their happiness was boundless, and everywhere they moved, they danced. There was no silence, as they hummed happy tunes as they moved about their abode, almost yelping with joy as they came across another convenience that they had been deprived of over the past few days. Jake was in love of the concept of owning a bed, and Chance almost died with delight at the sight of the refridgerator. Then they looked out the window. "Oh...krud" was all Chance could say, before he passed out. "Ditto" Jake affirmed when he saw it, and joined his partner in unconsciousness... Endun Auf Ze Parte Forre: NEXT!!!! Post-scriptum: Nicholas would like to apologise to any fans of 'Magic: The Gathering' who have been offended by this piece of fiction, and reassures them that he does pity the fact that they are all social dysfunctuates.