SWAT Kats: Coast to Coast Episode 1 By Alan Gunton Dedicated to Joe Rovang, who gave me the inspiration ::Viper and Hard Drive are sitting at a table drinking coffee. Behind them is a large window with the silhoutte of Megakat City in it's frames:: HARD DRIVE: So, I said to Dark Kat "Okay, I'll be your partner, but I'm in charge!" VIPER: That'sss not what happened. I read the ssscript. You're ad-libbing. HARD DRIVE: ::frowns and changes the subject:: Good coffee, isn't it? VIPER: ::takes a sip from his cup:: Mmmm.. Ssstarbucksss! ::Razor's voice comes over the loudspeaker:: RAZOR: Viper! Hard Drive! Where are you? The show starts in 5 minutes! Get your tail's to the set! VIPER: Yeah, yeah. HARD DRIVE: ::grumbles:: I hate this... ::both get up and leave the cafeteria:: ::The two villians walk to a darkened set. Hard Drive walks over to a control unit and starts pressing buttons. Viper takes his place behind a synthesizer. To the left of Viper is a desk and a television. Razor walks out onto the set:: RAZOR: Okay you guys. This is our first show. Don't screw it up. ::loud and obnoxious theme music starts to play loudly. Everyone covers their ears. At the end of the music, T-Bone fades in:: VIPER: How'd you do that? T-BONE: We have a big special effects budget. ::he disappears and reappears behind his desk:: Greetings kat fans. Welcome to my show. RAZOR: Your show!? T-BONE: Our show. Anyway, we have a very explosive show for you this evening. ::an explosion goes off backstage:: HARD DRIVE: Sorry about that! T-BONE: ::to Razor:: Remind me to hold auditions for a new cast. Now, let's welcome our first guests, the Metalikats! ::TV screen lowers and an image of Mac and Molly appear:: Greetings vile villians. Are you getting enough oxygen? ::Mac and Molly give T-Bone an odd look:: MOLLY: ::whispers to Mac:: I think he's the one who doesn't have enough oxygen. T-BONE: I heard that! VIPER: ::waving a little pennant:: Go Mac! Go Molly! Go villians!! T-BONE: ::raises his glovitrix and fires a flame thrower missile at Viper, frying him:: VIPER: ::blinks:: uhhh... T-BONE: Much better. ::taps a little blue card on the desk:: Now, Metalikats, why have you chosen a life of crime? MAC: Well, that's kind of a tough question. Ya see, we don't really know why... we just.. uh.. MOLLY: We just like it. ::whacks Mac on the head:: You can't do anything right. MAC: Can too! MOLLY: Can not! T-BONE: ::puts his head in his paw and taps the cards:: Can we continue? ::Mac and Molly shut up:: RAZOR: ::begins to doze off:: T-BONE: ::to Mac and Molly:: How did you guys get those spiffy metal bodies? MOLLY: Didn't you see that episode? T-BONE: Yes, but we need to waste time until our next guest comes. So tell us. MAC: We escaped from Alkatraz, got killed when a boat hit us, and we washed up on a beach. There we met the Professer, Gilligan and ::sighs:: Mary Ann... MOLLY: Quit screwin' around boltbrains! We were found by Professor Hackle. He made us robot bodies in hopes that we could be of use to him. But did we listen? MAC: You better believe we didn't! T-BONE: And what are your plans for the future? MOLLY: We plan to take over the city, and you SWAT Kats will never be able to stop us! Razor: ::yawns:: Yeah, we heard that one before. ::the image of Mac and Molly disappear, leaving static:: T-BONE: Hard Drive! What happened to the Metalikats?! HARD DRIVE: They were annoying me. ::pushes a few buttons on the console:: T-BONE: But that was no reason to get rid of them. Okay, next guess! HARD DRIVE: Coming right up! ::pulls a lever and an image of Dr. Greenbox appears on the TV screen:: T-BONE: Greetings citizen Greenbox. GREENBOX: Hello T-Bone. Hello Razor. RAZOR: Hi Leiter! GREENBOX: Don't call me that! RAZOR: Sorry. T-BONE: ::clears his throat:: Now, what new inventions have you come up with? GREENBOX: Well, I have MuteKat 500. T-BONE: What does it do? GREENBOX: Well, it looks like an ordinary remote control... but when you press the big red button, it mutes very obnoxious annoying people. T-BONE: Show us, if you can. GREENBOX: ::aims remote at Viper and presses button:: VIPER: ::mouth opens but nothing comes out. He starts yelling:: GREENBOX: ::turns off the MuteKat:: VIPER: T-BONE HAS A FAT HEAD!!! T-BONE: ::glares at Viper:: VIPER: ::realizes that he wasn't muted:: Oops.... ::T-Bone cinges Viper yet again:: T-BONE: Great invention doc. When will it be out on stores? We could use one of them. GREENBOX: In about a year or two. I still have work out many of the bugs. RAZOR: I can probably help you with those. GREENBOX: Okay. Come over after the show and you can help. T-BONE: ::sighs:: Nerds. RAZOR: I am not a nerd! You want a nerd, go look at Bill Gates! T-BONE: Next Guest!! HARD DRIVE: ::pulls a lever and an image of Princess Di appears on the screen:: T-BONE: Hard Drive! Wrong guest! HARD DRIVE: ::grumbles and pulls the lever again. An image of Felina Feral appears:: T-BONE: Thank you. Greetings Lieuteniant Feral. FELINA: Hi guys. T-BONE: Haven't seen you around lately. What have you been up to? FELINA: Mostly paperwork and bossing Steele around. RAZOR: And if you can't find Bill Gates, look at Steele! T-BONE: Ok, I get the point. VIPER: GUM! ::Everyone looks at Viper funny:: VIPER: Hey, it worked for Zorak. T-BONE: ::sighs:: Anyway, Felina, any top secret weapons you can tell us about? FELINA: No. T-BONE: Is there something top secret? FELINA: Yes, but I'm not telling. T-BONE: ::in an annoying voice:: Pleeeeeeeeaaaase? FELINA: Annoy me, and I'll hurt you. T-BONE: Okay! Okay! I'll stop! FELINA: ::laughs:: T-BONE: How's your uncle doing? FELINA: He's fine. Still the same old sourpuss. T-BONE: Well, isn't that just dandy! ::taps cards on the desk:: FELINA: By the way, he's sending you guys a bill for the last tank you blew up. RAZOR: Perfect... T-BONE: Well, that's all the time we have today, folks. HARD DRIVE: ::starts the end music and the entire screen shows the credits:: T-BONE: ::not visible, but trying to yell above the music:: I WASN'T FINISHED!! HARD DRIVE: So? T-BONE: Wait till I get my paws on you!!! ::theme music continues for a few minutes then ends abruptly:: VIPER: GUM!! The End