Scary Fanfic By P. I. Hackle Hi. Movie parody/take. You should be able to guess what it is real quick. Some will be scripted (probably), but I'm trying to get back into prose, so this might now come out so great...or maybe it will, who knows. Anyways, try to read this without going insane. Thanx to: wes craven for not suing my ass for doing this emmanuel goldsten for making me realize how pathetic you are when you can't use something to find out who's calling you the inventor of the hammer-sickle insignia Chapter One {LOCATION: Someone's house/place in the canyon or falls. CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: Blond, physically attractive she-kat} It was nine or so at night. It was dark out, and Jamie was heading into her kitchen with a bag of Jiffy-Pop. She had just returned from Dollar Day at Blockbuster, and was preparing herself to have a nice night alone in front of the TV. She was taking the cellophane wrapping off of the bag when her phone began to ring. "Hello?" The voice on the other end of the phone was definitely male, and the connection was slightly static-y. "Hello? Who am I talking to?" Jamie remembered what she had learned in school about talking to strangers on the phone. "Well, that depends on who you were trying to get in touch with." "Ah. Well, what number did I get through to, then?" "What number did you punch into the phone? I think this isn't who you're trying to get hold of." Jamie hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen. As a safety measure, she hit *69, but hung up before the full number could be given to her. "At least the enforcers'll see his number on the obscenity log if he tries anything." She thought. She grabbed the cordless phone on the way back, as she stopped briefly in the living room to turn the tv and vcr on. She was punching buttons on the microwave when the phone rang again. "Hello?" "Sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number." Said the voice, which was the same voice who called her earlier. "Then why did you call again?" "Guilty conscience. I figured I should apologize." "Well, you're forgiven. Goodnight." She started to hang up the phone, but before she could, he replied: "Wait! I want to talk!" "Sorry, that's what 976 numbers are for, unless you're really desperate, and then there's the internet." Jamie finished punching numbers into the microwave and hit start. The microwave lit up and started to whirr. "Hey, come on, we could go out or something. You got a boyfriend?" "mmm...nope." "What's that sound in the background?" "My microwave. I'm making some popcorn." "I only like to have popcorn when I watch movies." "Really? Me too. I just got back from blockbuster." "What'd you get?" "Oh, just some scary movies. Nothing special." "Do you like scary movies?" "Only when I don't want to be cerebral." "What's your favorite scary movie?" "Hard-Shell. You know, that one with the bug that eats nuclear power plants. What's yours?" "Guess." "Hmmm....i don't know...there are too many of them." Jamie started to leave the kitchen. "Oh well. So much for that one." "Yep. G'night." "Don't hang up on me!" *click*. Jamie hit the TALK button on the phone, ending the call. The phone immediately rang again. "LISTEN DICK!" "NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE BITCH! DO THAT AGAIN AND YOU WON"T BE ABLE TO LIVE TO REGRET IT!" Jamie was frozen in fear and started whimpering. "Now, where were we?" "You won't get away with this." "Why not?" "Because my boyfriend is coming over, and he's big, and he plays rugby, and he's going to kick the SHIT outta you!" "His name wouldn't happen to be Mark, would it?" Jamie started crying. "How do you know his name?" "Turn on your back porch light." Jamie obliged, and saw that Mark, her boyfriend, was bound and gagged and tied to a splintery lawn chair. "What kind of sick pervert are you?" "The kind that wants to play a game." "What kind of game?" Jamie was completely in tears, and so was Mark, his tears flowing over the tape used to keep his mouth shut. "Movie Trivia. Very easy. Play and you both might live. Refuse, and MARKY GETS IT!" "OK, I'll play your little game." "Good. You even get a warm-up question. How did they kill the villain at the end of Hard Shell?" "Oh god, I don't know..." "Come on, it's your favorite scary movie, remember? You know, that one with the bug that eats nuclear power plants. How did they kill the bug?" "Bug Spray! They brought in choppers filled with bug spray!" "YESS! Very good, now on to the real question." Jamie was whimpering, and semi-hyperventilating. "no, no, please no." "Same Category: How many katizens did the bug kill?" Jamie started counting on her fingers, and went through her paws many times. "42." "WRONG!" "What do you mean wrong, I've seen that movie at least 50 fucking times!" "Then you would have remembered about the bus full of kats that wasn't fully shown!" "That's implied, it doesn't count." "Yes, it does. Fortunately for you, there's a bonus round. As for mark, he's OUTTA HERE!" The phone became silent and Jamie heard ripping, plopping, and a muffled scream coming from outside. She rushed over and looked out the back porch-Mark's throat had been severed, and he had been totally disemboweled, his rib cage exposed. Jamie felt sick, and could feel the bile running up her throat. She moved to hang up the phone when the voice continued. "Last one, last chance for you to survive." "no, please, no." "This one's easiest of them all. You get to live if you can guess Which Door I'm At." Jamie started running all over locking doors and trying to get to them all before this whacko could get inside. A chair similar to the one Mark was in flew through her glass back door. She started to run, and all she could see entering the house was a large black cloak. As she fled out the door, she started running down the desert road, screaming all the way. The killer quickly overtook her, and started to make repetitious stabs..... Chapter Two A she-kat was sitting at her computer desk, looking over a story. The phone next to her started to ring. Thankful for the interruption, she picked it up. "Hello?" "Hey DJ, did you get through my story yet?" "Oh, hi, can you hold on a minute, I gotta take my steroids." "Sure." DJ quickly got out a syringe, injected herself and got back on the phone. "I thought they were trying to get you off of those." "They were, but I had a flare-up, and so they raised mine. I was almost off of them, too." "So, what'd you think of the story so far?" "I can't believe you did that. It's like all you did was cut and paste the first scene from Scream into this." "Well, it IS a parody." "Still, try and use a little more creativity next time. You're not doing so good lately." "Sure. I can't afford to talk any longer, my phone bill's already too high as it is." "Ok, bye Jon." "Sure, bye." DJ hung up the phone and got back to reading through the piles of stories people sent her so she could put them up on her internet archive. As she did, the phone rang again. "Hello?" "Hello DJ." "Who is this?" "The question isn't who am I, but where am I?" "Jon, I know what your phone bills cost, you're being real stupid by doing this." "This isn't Jon." "Then who-" DJ popped open a small application running in her computer background. "Tell me." "All right, I'll tell you who you are. DJ read off the computer screen: Alex Darling 973-750-3500 Call Time: 6:35 PM Eastern Standard Time Date: October 15th" "Very good. Of course, no one else'll have time to see that." "What do you mean?" "I'll be finished with you before anyone else could come." "Where are you?" "Climbing up to your bedroom window." "You're at my house?" "That's the new part. Call them when it's too late and really freak them out." DJ looked out the window and shined a flashlight down the side of her house. "You're full of shit. There's no one there." No response. "Hello? Hello? Oh well." DJ put the phone down and went back to her work. As she did, two kats on the outskirts of town were preparing for a night of quiet." Chapter Three Jake Clawson and Chance Furlong were ready to lie back with a pizza and watch a VH-1 Pop Up Video Pop-Up-A-Thon. Or rather, Chance would watch the TV and Jake would surf around on the internet. As usual, whenever something seemed quiet, the phone rang. Jake answered. "Who needs a tow?" The voice on the other end of the phone was male and semi-deep. It also sounded disguised, but Jake couldn't be sure. "Not me." "Who's calling?" "Someone who knows you very well." "Ummm...yeah." Jake hit the modem connection on the computer, while trying to get the psycho on the other line to be on friendlier terms so Jake could tell him off. "What are you doing?" "Getting on the internet." "What are you going to do while you're there?" "Check out some S&M Pics and stories, and then start reading whatever other people write." "Do you read fanfictions?" "Sometimes." "Do you like scary fanfictions?" "Not really. I used to like scary movies, but I don't anymore." "Why not? Too scary?" "No, they're the same shit every time. Killer comes after Innocent victim who can't figure out to just rack the guy, grab a cell phone, and run." "Were there any scary fanfics you like?" "Not unless you include Shakespeare." "What was so scary about Shakespeare?" "Macbeth. How the witches told him the future and he went insane and killed everyone." "But according to you, that's like every other scary story out there." "Yeah, except Shakespeare had him do it in style." "Got a favorite line?" "Yeah...By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes." "You have no idea..." *CLICK* "Hello? Who the fuck was that? Hey Chance, have you been dating married she-kats again?" "No, why? Did we get another obscene phone call?" "Yeah. Something's not right with this." "What do you expect? We're in the service industry." "I don't know, but still. Why do I have the feeling someone's out to get me?" Chapter Four The next day was something of a bit larger event. Feral stopped by to scream and get enforcer vehicles fixed, and they were on non-stop tow jobs. It was a grueling day, and Jake was getting ready to go to sleep when the phone rang. Jake answered the phone. "We're closed, this better be good." "It is." The voice was an exact match of the voice from the previous night. Jake started walking over to the computer, and ran a trace on the call. "Well, what's so important that it couldn't wait until morning?" "Your death." "Excuse me?" "Your opinion." "That's not what you said." Said Jake, as he started getting goosebumps up his legs and arms. He kept talking as he went around and made sure all the doors were closed and locked. "What did I say then?" "You said..." "Thought so. So, isn't this a dark, cold, windy night that could have come straight from a scary fanfiction?" "I guess, why?" "Because. That adds to the effect." "What effect should that be?" The computer beeped up with a trace number: Alex Darling 973-750-3500 Call Time: 11:35 PM Eastern Standard Time Date: October 16th" "So, Mr. Darling...why are you obsessed with acting like a psycho?" "Because you won't have time to figure that out." "Why not?" "Because I just climbed down the chimney and am standing in the living room." "SHIT!" Jake hung up the phone and started running as fast as he could towards the living room area. He got there and saw that the television screen had been knocked out, and Chance's head was inside the box in its place. "Oh god..." Jake was immediately taken aback by that, and briefly pondered where the rest of the body was, and then realized that he should be running for his life instead of mourning. A figure dressed in a black cloak and ghost mask popped out from behind the TV, large knife in hand, and started chasing Jake, who headed straight for the door. The killer was fast and cut Jake off at the pass. He started running up the stairs towards the roof. On the way up, Jake had thought he was adding distance between himself and the masked intruder, but tripped on a stair and looked back and saw how close the killer really was. As he ran up, he could sometimes feel the killer's cloak on his legs. He got to the roof, let himself onto it, and then slammed the door right as the killer was entering the doorway. Jake stopped running for a minute, caught his breath, which he had been running out of, realized that the roof was small and that he wouldn't have anywhere to run, and that the killer would probably force down the door at any moment. He had to formulate a- "SHIT!" screamed Jake as the door busted open. The killer ran at full speed towards Jake, who quickly dodged, but got stabbed in the leg by the knife as the killer fell over the roof. Jake hobbled over, but didn't see the figure on the side of the building or on the ground. He didn't understand where the killer could have gone until he turned around and saw the figure coming out the rooftop door again, with an even bigger knife from the kitchen. Jake was hindered by the knife, but still was able to hold up, using the defensive to keep the knife away from him. Unfortunately, they were getting near the side of the roof, which Jake didn't realize until he was dangling over the edge. As Jake was struggling to regain control of the situation, the killer used the knife in Jake's leg as a lever, and used it to throw Jake, who was unable to slip inside a window, off the side of the building.... Chapter Five "And make sure I get first wind of everything that goes on with this case!" "Yes, sir." The secretarial kat left the office, and a much younger kat entered. "You wanted to see me, uncle?" "Yes, Felina. I'm placing you in charge of the serial murderer case." "Why me?" "Because you're an attractive young female who has a thing for cheesy movies and stories. The only lead we have is that all the victims were murdered as if in a horror movie thing." "And you want me to set myself up as victim." "Yes. Will you do it?" "Sure. Is my insurance paid up?" "Better be. The city can't afford your premium." They saluted and Felina left, heading towards her downtown apartment. Chapter Six DJ was by the computer, reviewing another story, being pissed about the amount of work it would take to finish another fanfiction site update, and getting ready to take her steroids. She threw out the syringe after injection, added a couple more names to her chart of stories, and went back to work. As she sat down, the phone rang. "Hello?" "I told you I was climbing up your window." "Who is this?" "It's not important. I'm coming for you." "Sure. Listen, this call has *69 written all over it, so I'm gonna hang up, send a trace on you to the cops, and get back to work, OK?" "NO! If you hang up on me, I'm gonna come and gut you like a fish." "I feel sorry for you if you do-I think they didn't get all the barium out from that last test they did." "I'm not the one who'll clean it up. The city coroner is the kat for that job." DJ popped up a program on her computer, pulling up her Caller ID. The display was eerily similar: Alex Darling 973-750-3500 Call Time: 10:06 PM Eastern Standard Time Date: October 17th" "Listen Alex, this act you're putting on isn't so darling." "My name isn't Alex." "Sure it isn't. Hold on, I got a call coming in." DJ Pushed the flash button on the phone, and being gracious for 3-way calling, hit *69 and flashed the mystery caller back in. She wanted him to be listening when the phone company computer told her the call was being put on a police log. "I'd watch my back if I were you." "What do you-" *CLICK* "This is totally fucked up." Chapter Seven Felina was hanging around the video getting herself a nice sized selection of scary movies and popcorns. There were kats around her arguing about the elements of horror films, and what the basics were. Felina felt the need to step in. "Excuse me boneheads, but the rules are: 1) Sex=death. Always be a virgin. 2) Drugs or alcohol=death. They keep you from running from the killer 3) don't say I'll be right back or I think I heard something outside " "Oh, how would you know?" "Because I've seen this entire stack of movies multiple times." "Yeah right, she's probably an Enforcer." "And you're probably not old enough to watch those movies." "Sure, whatever." The other kats left Felina alone, and she went, paid for the rentals, and left the store. Chapter Eight That night, Felina went home, made sure that what she was doing was visible to the world via a large picture window, and started watching a long pile of scary movie videos. She was sleeping through the 6th one when her phone rang. Coming to a groggy awakening, she turned on tracer and recording information and picked up the phone. "Hello?" she barely was able to murmer. "It's time, girlfriend." Said the male, slightly mechanical voice over the phone. Felina quickly regained her senses and started to pay attention to the blinking machinery next to her telephone. "What do you want?" "I want to know your name." "Why do you want to know my name?" "Because I want to know who I'm looking at." "What?" "I said I want to know who I'm talking to." "That's not what you said, and you know it." "Well then maybe you shouldn't be exposing your apartment to the whole city!" "I can do as I need to. Besides, I'm dressed." "Yeah. I noticed that you were watching a scary movie." "More like sleeping through it." "You had the TV on pretty loud." "How would you......" Felina went to check the door, opened it, peeked out into the hall, and noticed that no one was there. She came back in. "That was dumb. I suppose you're going to tell me you heard a funny noise out there." "Not really." Felina made sure that her gun was near her and loaded. "Now where are you?" The phone clicked dead. Felina looked at her tracer machine: Alex Darling 973-750-3500 Call Time: 01:32 AM Eastern Standard Time Date: October 19th" "Gotcha you son-of-a-bitch." Chapter Nine DJ had a bad night. Her steroids kept her from sleeping, and she kept thinking about the murders and all those creepy calls she'd gotten. As she tossed and turned, she realized that the she might want to take this information to the Enforcers. She got out of bed, and quietly went to the computer room. When she got there, she booted up the system, and dug through the pile of books, envelopes, and other paper and computer items lying around on the desk next to the machine for a disk. When she found one, she stuck it in the machine and copied the data from her Caller ID program to the disk, and tomorrow, the disk would go with her to see the Enforcers. As she moved the mouse to click 'Shut Down' on the computer, the phone next to her rang. She hit cancel and quickly picked up so that no one else would be awoken by the loudly ringing phone. As the receiver moved towards her ear, she quickly popped open her caller ID again. "Hello?" "Having trouble sleeping?" The voice on the phone was that of the person who had called her all these times before. "Not really. I'm always up at...what time is it?" "Why don't you check your Caller ID? Your mouse pointer is right by it." Alex Darling 973-750-3500 Call Time: 04:32 AM Eastern Standard Time Date: October 19th" "How did you know..." "Because I'm peeking under the windowshade." DJ quickly thanked her parents for getting a wheely-chair in the computer room, and wheeled herself over to the light switch, which she promptly turned off. Wheeling back, she felt around until she got her hands on a letter opener and sharpening stone. Quickly giving the blade a few rounds on each side, she moved towards the window and flipped up the blind. A kat dressed totally in black with a white ghost/skeleton mask was hanging on to the edge, suspended over the ground. Their eyes met, and DJ felt a fear she never felt before. The killer bashed through the window, shattering glass which was forced into a spray across the room. DJ got a couple of minor slashes, and ran towards the killer, letter opener in front of her. The killer started to pull himself up onto the ledge, but DJ forced the opener through one of his paws. As blood started to gush onto the windowsill, the killer lost his grip and fell towards the ground.... DJ's parents quickly woke up, and ran to where their daughter was. She was shivering with the window open, trickles of blood down her face, arms, and legs. "Are you AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" "What? AH! Dad, sorry, don't come close." DJ looked out the window-nothing was there, no kat, no costume. "What the hell happened in here?" "It's the killer. The one who killed the guys at the salvage yard, and those two kats on the outskirts of town, and he's been calling me, and I never realized it, I just thought it was just some perverted high schooler who can't get it on the internet and and and" "Calm down. Go to sleep and in the morning, we'll take you to see the Enforcers." "One thing first." DJ copied the newest input from her caller id program onto the disk, put it in a safe, memorable place, pulled down the window coverings and went to the bathroom to clean herself up before going to bed. Chapter Ten Enforcer Headquarters was a buzz the next morning, with kats running all over the place and constant phone ringings. The rookie was questioning DJ under the guidance of Lt. Harry Snow. "And you say he called you three times?" "Yes. I brought you the information from my caller id program on that disk." Snow sent the rookie to check it out, and continued to question DJ. "You realize that if you're just trying to get back at some guy, it won't work. We're too paranoid right now to react to some crank caller." "He tried to break into my house. Windows don't shatter for no reason unless Microsoft made them." "OK. And here comes private schultz with the information from your disk." Snow started to look over the printouts, and his eyes buldged. "Is everything okay?" "This is the same guy who Lt. Feral said called her last night." "Is that intentional or a coincidence?" "I don't know, but this is VERY wrong. Schultz, call the phone company, get me a full record of everything that's gone in and out of this guy's phone for the last month." "Yes, sir." "We are going to get to the bottom of this." Chapter Eleven DJ was still sitting in Enforcer HQ three hours later. She had repeatedly been offered cups of coffee, but she kindly explained her condition to everyone who asked her, and downed about 12 cups of water. She was getting highly bored and impatient when Lt. Snow got back to talking with her. "Okay, sorry to make you wait, this has been a busy date and a big help in this case." "Sure. Do I get to leave soon?" "Almost...Shultz, did you get those reports?" "Yes, sir. And the phone records show that he hasn't called any of the victims, including Lt. Feral or Ms. Clawson ever." "What? How is that possible?" "Well, at first the phone company told me it wasn't. Then I did a little more probing and found out that someone had put call forwarding on his line to all of the victims." "Meaning?" "Meaning that when the killer would call the phone number of Alex Darling, it would ring forward to who he wanted to call, and Alex Darling's phone number would show up on a trace or caller id." "Brilliant. Ms. Clawson, if you don't mind, I'd like to have you talk with Lt. Feral for a while to make sure you heard the same kat, and then you can come with us to present the evidence directly to Commander Feral." "Sure. Why not. Can I go to the bathroom?" "Down the hall, on the right." "Thanks." Chapter Twelve DJ was walking down a hall. On her left side was Felina, on her right was Snow and Schultz. They were heading towards Commander Feral's office when Snow announced he had to return a phone call quickly. He departed, and demanded that Schultz came with him. DJ seemed apprehensious about this, but Felina gave her a sullen smile and said that it was routine for Enforcers to never get from one point to the other without at least five interruptions. They got to Feral's door, and before entering, Felina knocked. When she had waited for three minutes and not gotten a response, she opened the door for herself, and made sure DJ stayed behind her. As they entered, DJ quickly noticed that the office was strangely empty. One would think that the kat in charge of the enforcers would be doing some kind of paperwork, yet Feral was not in. The two moved towards Feral's desk, and Felina pushed the button on the intercom. "Janeane, did the Commander say he was leaving?" "No, Lt. He's in his office for all I know." "He's not here. Oh dear, well, I'm sure he'll turn up soon." "OK, thanks Janeane." As this conversation was happening, DJ noticed a figure coming from Feral's closet and coming towards them. It was a semi-tall kat wearing a solid black cloak, with black boots, and a white ghost/skeleton mask. DJ tugged of Felina's uniform. "What is it DJ? I have to find my uncle." "The killer's in here." "What do you mean the killer's in here?" Felina looked over in the direction DJ was, and saw the kat coming slowly towards them. Felina pulled out her gun and pointed it at the intruder. "FREEZE! ENFORCER!" It was not to her advantage, since the killer pulled out a knife and threw it at Felina's leg, where it was stuck. As she used the desk to stay standing, she saw that the Commander had been tied up in the closet, and had tipped over, and his head was sticking out. "Who are you?" The killer pulled off his mask, to reveal that it was Snow. He pulled up a voice box to his mouth, and spoke through it: "That's right, girlfriend. Me." "Why?" "Because of what you and your family did to me." "What the hell are you talking about?" "You were the reason I signed up to the enforcers. I thought it would give me a shot at you. But your damn uncle said Paws Off or I would be drummed out of service, meaning I wouldn't be able to have any kind of life otherwise. You fucked me Felina. You fucked me and not in the way I wanted." "And your other two victims?" "I got your phone number wrong. That meant I got the wrong address, and it would be giving myself away-they would have found out." "What about the guys at the salvage yard?" "You liked the fat one. I thought it was him answering the phone, and not his little sidekick." "And DJ?" "You've gotta have an innocent." "Excuse me?" "That's the thing about scary movies-they don't make you a serial killer, they just make doing it more fun." DJ felt the need to interrupt. "You mean you terrorized me because you saw it in a movie?!?!?!?!" "No, I terrorized you because I didn't see it in a movie. It sets this up for a sequel, and nowadays, you gotta have a sequel." Felina carried on with the revealing: "What happened to Schultz?" "Someone shot him in the bathroom. I have no idea who it would be." "You bastard." "Yeah, I am. My family broke up when I was a kid, and so now I'm nuts. And my nutsiness is going against your uncle." DJ noticed there was a collector's style pistol on the desk, and, realizing that Snow was currently highly wrapped up in himself, she made a move for it and got it into her paws sleuthely. Snow had pulled out a knife, and was moving towards Feral. He continued on: "Now, the tragic ending. Where everyone but one person dies. The best way to finish a scary movie." DJ pulled the trigger, and for a split second, she was afraid she was going to hit Feral, but the bullet went straight through Snow's chest. He fell to the ground, surrounded by a growing pool of his own blood. "Not in my movie, fuckhead." Felina hobbled over to where Feral was, and DJ helped her. They got down and started untying the Commander. As DJ helped him up, Felina had to interject a comment: "You know, this is usually where the villain miraculously comes back to life for one last scare." As she finished her statement, Snow sat up in his place, only to meet a quickly-moving boot on the foot of Commander Feral. "Not in mine, either." He said in his bass Enforcer Leader voice. "Felina, report to sick bay immediately. I will escort you, personally." "Yes, sir." "Do you mind if I go with you? To make sure that she really is all right?" "I don't see why not. You were very good with that pistol. Have you ever considered joining the Enforcers?" "No, I think my medical conditions would keep me out." "I thank you for saving my life." "Sure. Not a problem. Only problem is that now they're gonna make a big deal about this, and we're not gonna get any money for it." Felina gave her own opinion: "Well, not until they want to make a sequel, or the day before it comes out and we can sue them for everything they have." "Good point. And nowadays, you've gotta have a sequel. Come on, I'll hold you up on the side your leg got it." "Thanks." THE END (FOR NOW) Well, there it is: Scary Fanfic. If I get reactions, I'll write a sequel-Another Scary Fanfic. If you're curious as to the title, the original name for Scream (which this one's based off of) was Scary Movie. My next project is Forbidden SwatKats Return, and then, who knows. Enjoy! Ace! Pihackle@hotmail.com Beta-Readers: DJ, Klawz, RikkiFeral, Strike --------------------------------------------------- "If he can't find his anthem, Will he find a compromise?" --Harry Chapin: Anthem ---------------------------------------------------