"unHIP" Part One (Kats in Black) by Nicholas "Nicko" Ball and Thomas "Tommo-tommo-tommo-tomarini" Murtagh Suggested Rating: Title - G - suitable for all audiences Introduction - PG, due to adult concepts Competition Information - G - suitable for all audiences Dedication - unrated at this time of event Section 1 - NC-17 due to references to nudity, and bad words Section 2 - PG, contains references to violence Section 3 - yet to be classified Section 4 - M, for people above the age of 15 only Section 5 - Here's my rating! Blam! Blam! Blam! Section 6 - Tom wrote this section. Ask him Section 7 - This section never existed - got it??! Epilogue - Tom says it should be 'S', but I think it's 'T' Introduction: Hello everybody, it is I, Nicholas Ball and he, Tom Murtagh here again. As you know, much has happened lately, and we've been very busy (for one thing, Nick's been made President of the Official SWAT Kats Fan Club (Australian Edition), while Tom's appointed himself Vice-President and Head of Armoury. Nick's also taken up the nickname of 'Nicko' (I encourage you to use it freely, as my multitude of friends all do -Nicko), but we've still managed to work this fantastic new series out. In fact, it's more than a series, it's an epic - feel free to add on at any stage! (Though we do reserve the right to write a small paragraph at the start of the next section, removing all plot points raised by yourself. You play by our rules, since we're the overlords) We have a few things to recommend to you before you start reading the actual story. Here they are. Things you MUST watch: All of these "4th Doctor" Dr Who episodes- Robot The Ark In Space The Sontaran Experiment Genesis Of The Dalek - this one's really exciting Revenge Of The Cybermen Terror Of The Zygons Planet Of Evil Pyramids Of Mars The Android Invasion - if you watch closely, you can see cleavage The Brain Of Morbeus The Seeds Of Doom The Masque of Mandragon The Hand Of Fear The Deadly Assassin The Face Of Evil The Robots Of Death The Talons Of Weng-Chiang - extra scary The Horror Of Fang Rock The Invisible Enemy Image Of The Fendahl The Sunmakers Underworld - watch this one again once you've seen "Meglos" The Invasion Of Time The Ribos Operation The Pirate Planet The Stones Of Blood - don't miss this one! The Androids Of Tara The Power Of Kroll The Armageddon Factor The Destiny Of The Daleks City Of Death The Creature From The Pit The Nightmare Of Eden - maybe read the Bible too -? The Horror Of Nimon The Leisure Hive Meglos Full Circle State Of Decay Warriors' Gate The Keeper Of Traken Logopolis - like a city full of logs!!!!!! Watch Star Trek: First Contact if you want to get the 'Borg' joke, and watch Tron too, while you're at it. Read the following materials: The Beginners' Guide To Magic: The Gathering The Player's Guide To Magic: The Gathering The Experts' Guide To Magic: The Gathering Jaws by Peter Benchley All the Agatha Christie novels Any novel set in the future (eg Bladerunner 2) or written by Philip K. Dick And it would help if you visited these sites, too: www.drwho.com www.startrek.com www.trekkie.com www.xena.com www.drwho.co.uk www.lostinspace.com www.w3c.org www.greenpeace.org www.microsoft.com/ie www.pih.org/fanclub www.geocities.com/southbeach/9767 Competition: We've started each individual chapter/section with part of the theme song to a certain cartoon show. If you can identify the show, write it down next to the section, and be picked by us, one of us* will mention YOUR NAME at some stage in day to day conversation (max. 5 syllables). Get to it! * note: we get to choose which of us will mention your name. Another Note: We're Australian, and some jokes may not make any sense to you, due to the huge cultural barrier. Here's an example: Q. Why do cars speed up when they see Dr Viper crossing the road? A. Because he's so GREEN, he looks like a traffic light! Initially, you may think that the answer is "Because Dr Viper's a villain, and no one likes him so they try to run him over!", which it can be also. This is why this joke is so clever - because it works on TWO levels. You see, down here in Australia, we have these things called 'traffic lights', which control the flow of traffic, and when the traffic light goes GREEN (well, it doesn't actually GO green, but a green light on it lights up) then the traffic is allowed to go and proceed. Of course, the joke should be worded "Why do cars go and proceed when they see Dr Viper crossing the road?", since traffic lights don't regulate actual speeds, but it's still very funny, nonetheless, as you have noted. Other Australian colloquialisms have been placed in this story, but we're pretty sure you'll get the hang of it. If not, just send us a friendly email asking us what a particular phrase or word meant, and we'll set you on the straight and narrow again. Dedication: This story is dedicated to the one who inspired us through his creative genius to tackle the problems associated with starting a series. His radiance and brilliance makes him truly a beacon unto others. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Chapter One - The Bridge Ending Nothingness Connects All %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Heroes in a half-shell, turtle power!" --- The TARDIS materialized and Adric stepped out. He looked around the busy inner city life that was MegaKat City. The Doctor was standing behind him, and said- "Okay, Adric, you go and make your measurements that you require to keep doing your mathematical equations. But remember, if there's trouble, I may have to leave temporarily. But don't worry," the Doctor continued with a smile, a hearty laugh and a pat on the back. "I won't be TOO long!" "Oh, Doctor! You ALWAYS say that, and then you take quite a bit of time!" Adric said, waggling his head, which was not covered by any clothing as he was not Semitic or a member of any religion that requires its members to wear anything on their head, and grinning back. "Yes, I do, don't I?" "Yes!" Adric said, and walked off down a street. It was about 10 o'clock am, according to the Doctor's time devices. That was a good thing about knowing a Time Lord, you could always rely on him (or her) for knowing the right time. Of course, knowing the right year was an entirely diferent thing! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Chapter Two - ROCK and roll!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "Astroboy, Astroboy, he is brave and gentle and wise" --- The big rock slid up the street, hitting all the kats it could find, and once it killed them , it drank all of their blood. "Help! There's a big rock sliding up the street! IT'S killing innocent kats and drinking all of their blood!" someone yelled down the phone at Commander Feral. "Hah. A likely story" Feral said and hung the phone up. Adric was taking measurements in Manx street and he heard a terrible grinding sound, followed by screams, so he put his compass down and went to investigate. He cautiously looked around the corner and saw that there was a big rock sliding up the street. It swerved and moved somehow, hitting all the kats it could find, and it killed them, before pausing to drink their blood. (A similar thing happened in 'The Stones of Blood' - the third in the popular Dr Who series entitled 'The Key Of Time', which you should have watched by now. We weren't sure in the series as to whether the rocks actually drank the blood - when they killed that camper he was sort of bleeding on a ledge of the rock, and they are the Stones of Blood, so I suppose they take the blood in somehow, but it might be something like osmosis, so here we've just made it so they drink the blood. These rocks look a bit like those square ones at Stonehedge, but we've made the decision to make them a little smaller so that they can fit through doorways). Adric turned around to hear a high pitched scream. "Help! SWAT Kats!" Adric ran down the passageway behind the alley and into Miss Brigg's office, where the shekat stood on a desk, swatting at a large rock with a folder. "TAKE THIS YOU FUCKER!!!!!!!" Adric yelled, taking out his bazooka-protractor. (Note: Adric didn't have this weapon in the series, but we figured that he'd need something in case something like this happened. It's about 5 inches long, and houses 12 missiles, each of which can blow up a car or a house. To see something like this happen, watch 'Planet Of Evil' or 'Logopolis') He pulled the trigger and a missile shot out and blew the rock into small tiny little pieces that rained down everywhere. "Oh thank you thank you thank you!" Miss Briggs said, throwing her arms around him, hardly noticing that he wasn't a kat. "You're a kat!" Adric said, "This whole city is full of kats!" "Yes, we're all kats. Where are you from?" Miss Briggs asked "I'm from the planet Earth! I came here with the Doctor!" and Adric ran out, because he remembered what the Doctor said about leaving if there was a hint of trouble. Adric ran all the way back to where the Tardis initially was, but all there was now was a blank space, and a small hand written note, held there, ironically, by a small piece of metal. It read: "Adric - Had to go, will be back soon, The Doctor" Just then Adric heard more yells from another back alley. He ran along and saw two kats in red and blue (and black) G-suits trying to fend off attacks by two deadly sedimentaries. "T-Bone! Our glovatrixes are useless against these rocks!" "I know, Sureshot! And there's nothing we can do about it!" "COME ON!!! RUN!!!!!!!!" Adric yelled, grabbing both kats by the arm and pulling them to safety. Then he took out some Pi Charge and blew the rocks to rock hell. (Pi Charge is a special kind of plastic explosive we made up for Adric to use. We based it on the movie 'The Five Doctors', and in particular, the chessboard puzzle. Remember? As the Master said, the answer on how to solve it was 'easy as pi', and turned out to be the mathematical number 'pi') However, Adric saw that the rocks had killed all the following kats whilst he was away: Ann Gora (who went to get a 'scoop', as she says) Mayor Manx Commander Feral Lieutenant Feral Dr Viper Dark Kat All his Kreeplings (except four) The Metallikats Dr Viper Hard Drive That crystal guy Dr Greenbox Dr Viper Dr Sinian That security guard in 'The Dark Side Of The SWAT Kats' Smitty, Ann Gora's cameraman, caught on film some footage of the rocks destroying a synagogue and ran away. "My God! Those rocks have killed all these innocent kats!" T-Bone yelled. "And it looks like they've drunk their blood, too!" Razor yelled also. "They're the Stones Of Blood! They drink blood to survive! And they're at the top of that hill!" Adric said, before firing 5 missiles off at the base of the top of the hill, causing it to break away, and all the rocks to roll down the hill where they smashed themselves into small pieces at the bottom. "ROCK AND ROLL!!!!" Adric yelled, and ran down a sidestreet, with the SWAT kats following him. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Section Three - Fast &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& "He's the boss, he's the king, but above everything, he's the most tip-top - Top Cat" --- "Are you a Moslem?!" asked Adric, speaking to T-bone, while he ran down a sidestreet, pursued by the blood-drinking stones. T-bone stopped temporarily and answered. Unfortunately the sound of the rolling stones drowned out the reply. "I can't get no-o sa-tis-fac-tio-on, I can't get no-o sa-tis-fac-tion, Well I try, And I try, And I try, And I try, But I can't get no (der ner ner ner ner) I can't get no, No no no!" Razor turned off the television that was playing the video clip for the song by the Rolling Stones and said, "Oh no! We have enough trouble with rolling stones without Mick Jagger singing!" and guffawed brightly, because the rolling stones behind them were also old and were suspected to drink people's blood. Both Adric and T-bone also laughed. "Hey, that gives me an idea!" said Adric, taking his calculator and a slide-rule, so that he could check the answer. "If my calculations are correct, we should be near a lighthouse!" Razor and T-bone looked at each other in amazement. "That's right! The Megakat Lighthouse!" "See, we can go inside and hide, and if we get high enough, the stones won't be able to find us!" Adric said. "That's a great idea!" said the two SWAT Kats together, realized that they had spoken in unison, and laughed. "But how did you get the idea?" Adric smiled. "It was when I heard the 'Rolling Stones'! They are old rockers from way back, and so is Jimi Hendrix!" Razor nodded, understanding. "So you thought of HIS song, 'All along the Watchtower' and thought of the lighthouse, because that's a sort of tower!" Nodding with a callypygian smile, Adric and the Kats ran into Megakat Lighthouse, pursued by the rolling stones, but not Keith Richards because he had a bladder infection and a bad case of GALL STONES! But some of the murderous stones obviously had a fair bit of gall because they started to come up the stairs! "What's going on here?" said the salty old sea-kat who maintained the lighthouse, to the three heroes. "Look out, old man - er, kat!!" said Adric, pushing past him. The lighthouse keeper refused their help and struggled up the stairs by himself, but was crushed by the rocks, and had his blood drunken by them too, probably. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Section Four - How to make an American Kilt )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "The Simpsons! Do do do do do do do do dododo doo do do do do doo dodododo!" --- They continued running along the street chased by the stones. "I have an idea!" said Adric, addressing the two kats. "This reminds me of something that I once experienced in Ancient Scotland!" "Ancient Scotland?!" gasped the kats in bemused angst. "You mean that you have some method of time-travel that allows you to travel through the relative dimensions in time and space?" (This is ironic because the Doctor has a time-travel machine that is called a TARDIS which stands for "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space" except that the SWAT Kats don't know that, but they got most of the words that make up the TARDIS's name right!!) "Yes!" said Adric, amused at the irony. "So you've been to Ancient Scotland! What did you experience there?" said T-Bone. "There are these huge stones in my world in Scotland that are assembled in a sort of henge, and we call them 'Stone-Henge'! These stones look exactly like them!" said Adric, licking his lips. "I get it!" shouted Razor eagerly. "We'll go into a kilt shop and buy some kilts! That way we can fool the rocks into thinking that we're Scottish, so that way they won't be able to cross the tenth parallel and destroy the city!" "Exactly!" shouted T-bone and Adric together, then laughed because they had shouted together. They came up to the kilt shop which was just around the corner, and climbed over the cars that were outside the kilt shop, and went into the kilt shop, which was called 'The Three-Leafed Clover Kilt Shop'. "Hey you, old man!" shouted Adric eagerly at the old kat who was attending the shop. "Er, I mean, hey you old kat!!" The old kat looked up and introduced himself. "My name is Whiskey McHaggis! Why have you come into my kilt shop?" "We have come to buy some kilts!" yelled Adric heatedly. "Where are they!" The old man gestured around the shop. "These hundreds of kilts are all that I have. But you are not allowed to buy any!" He turned and busied himself behind the counter. "SCREW YOU OLD MAN! BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!" Adric proclaimed uncompromisingly, and fired his bazooka protractor six times, once for each time that he had used the word 'blam'. "Is anyone going to complain about me spilling OLD SCOTCH everywhere!" Razor laughed. "Yeah! That was a WELL-MATURED WHISKEY!" T-bone also laughed at the puns on Whiskey McHaggis's name and nationality. "Yes, it was unfortunate that he had to be KILT! I suppose that now we'll get off SCOT-FREE!" The three fearsome heroes wandered around the kilt shop and chose the most alluring kilts, but swiftly so that the stones wouldn't get them. Razor chuckled. "It's lucky that Felina and Callie aren't here, watching us TRYING ON SKIRTS!" "Yes, it IS lucky they're dead! Ahahaha!" laughed T-Bone "I think that these kilts are very nice!" said Adric. "If I were really Scottish, I might set up my own CELTIC KILT CULT!" "Hey, I have an idea Razor -" said T-bone. "Why don't we change our names to the SCOT KATS!" "Yes!" said Razor, picking up a roll of sticky-tape. "Then we could be the SCOTCH GUARD of the city!" "Hey you two!" said Adric, picking up a piece of chalk and drawing a grid pattern on the floor. "Anyone for a game of HOP-SCOTCH!" "That's funny!" said T-bone, as they ran out onto the street wearing the kilts. "Because we have this game that we play in this world called 'Hop-scotch'!" "So do we!" laughed Adric. "Hey, knock it off you two!" said T-bone. "Hand me that BEAM of wood lying over there!" T-bone picked up the BEAM, which he had to lift UP. "I guess I just 'BEAMED YOU UP, SCOTTIE'!" "Okay! Quick, run with me to higher land, so then I can fling this piece of wood at the boulders!" They ran with the boulders still behind them, up a hill and got to the top of the hill, which was pretty high. Then Adric saw that there was a man with a sword in a trenchcoat (the man was in the trenchcoat, not the sword) who was standing on the highland. He said, "I am Highlander! there can only be one" so Adric cut his head off and rolled the body down the hill and it knocked some stones over that were coming up the hill. "Great! Now it's time for me to do the 'Highland Fling'!" and he FLUNG the beam from the HIGH LAND at the rocks. It got closer and closer and closer ... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Section Five - Picnic at Hanging Rock @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ "Darkwing Duck! When you're in trouble, just call D.W. Darkwing Duck! Let's get dangerous." --- "Quick! Open the elevator doors!" Adric yelled, and stepped back as T-Bone and Chance did so, to take out his Pi Charge calculator and destroy the lift inside, leaving the cable to dangle, limply, flimsily, flaccidly, flocculently, medullary, spongy, oedemateously, argillaceous and limber. The SWAT Kats ran off somewhere whilst Adric leapt into the shaft and swung on the end of the cable, and the doors closed, temporarily sealing him in. Then a Stone Of Blood came along and pushed the lift button. (In the show, the Stones Of Blood could climb stairs, and didn't use any lifts, but I decided that one of them uses the lift here so Adric can swing out and put the rope around it's neck, before hanging it. Rocks probably would get tired climbing all those stairs. Probably. I know I would. But I'm not a rock.) The doors opened and Adric swung out on the cable. He wrapped his legs around the rock's torso, and put the noose he created at the end of the cable around it's top, before leaning back, and pulling the mighy mass into the shaft. It hung there, dead. "FUCK YOU, ROCK!!!!" Adric yelled, triumphant "My God, you've broken it's neck!" Razor said, watching the dead rock swing there like a large pendulum, as both authors ran in. One jumped up and down excitedly by the elevator shaft whilst the other bargained for attention near the Coke machine. "Pick me! Pick me!" they both yelled. "Which one should I pick?!" Adric asked "Pick Nick at Hanging Rock" T-bone advised. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section Six - The Man With the Golden Nun ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Flintstones, Meet the Flintstones, They're a modern Stone-Age family!" "Wow, that was a lucky break!" yelled Adric at the top of his voice, having turned the corner to escape the blast. "I thought we were a gonner when that stone exploded!" Razor checked his equipment, and then nodded surreptitiously. "Yes, it's a good thing the helicopter came along, or we would have been MINCED MEAT!!" They all laughed. "Let's celebrate!" suggested Adric, smiling and laughing. "Is there a place where we can get some warm beer!" T-bone laughed. "How about we have an Inaugural meeting of the Official SWAT Kats Fan Club Fanatical Squadron?" Razor giggled. "That's a good idea! You get our stuff together, and we'll meet you there in five minutes, Adric!" Five minutes later, everything was going to plan, and everyone including Commander Feral was there, who had just given blood. (That is, everyone was there, and Commander Feral had just given blood - not everyone had given blood.) But there was a problem - they had noone to be the Master of Ceremonies! "Oh no!" yelled Razor. "We have nobody to be our Master of Ceremonies!" He looked at T-bone. "Neither of US can be the M.C.!" "You're right!" said T-bone. "That wouldn't be right at all. We need somebody who isn't a member, otherwise it wouldn't be right." But the only person in the room who wasn't a member of the OSWATKFCFS was Adric!! Razor went up to Adric. "Hey Adric!" he said to Adric. "How would you like to be the Master of Ceremonies for our Fan Club?" Adric looked at him in amazement. "You want ME to M.C. your Fan Club! Why should I M.C.!" The SWAT Kats looked at each other. "Why M.C., eh?" said Razor. "Why M.C. eh?" said T-bone. Up came Commander Feral. "Young man! There's no need to feel down." Adric looked up. Feral continued. "I said, young man, because you're in a new town." Adric looked away. "I SAID, YOUNG MAN, PICK YOURSELF OFF THE GROUND! There's no need to be unhappy!" Razor and T-bone looked at each other and began singing. "Young man, there's a place you can go, I said, young man, when you're short on your dough, You can stay there, and I'm sure you'll be fine, There's many ways, to, have, a good time." The whole fanclub banded around Adric, and everybody sung. "It's fun to stay at the 'Why M.C., eh?' It's fun to stay at the 'Why M.C., eh?'. You can have a good bath, You can have a nice meal, You can do whatever you feel!" "Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said, young man, because you're in a new town, I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground! There's no need to be unhappy!" "It's fun to stay at the 'Why M.C., eh?' It's fun to stay at the 'Why M.C., eh?'. You can have a good bath, You can have a nice meal, You can do whatever you feel!" A construction worker wandered in off the street. "Is this where I'm supposed to build the GIANT WOODEN HORSE?" Adric grinned from ear to ear. "No, that's next door! But you can stay here and sing with us!" A policeman walked into the building. "The Indian Chief across the street told me to warn you to keep the noise down. How about if I get him and his village-people friends to come across and we all join in you in a nice singalong!" Adric laughed out loud. "What a great idea!" When all the Village People had gathered, they all got together with the Fan Club and Adric and they sung: Young man! There's no need to feel down! I said, young man, because you're in a new town! I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground! There's no need to be unhappy! Young man! There's a place you can go! I said, young man, when you're short on your dough! You can stay there, and I'm sure you'll be fine, There's many ways to have a good time! It's fun to stay at the YMCA! It's fun to stay at the YMCA! You can have a good bath, You can have a nice meal! You can do whatever you feel! And they continued singing until the early hours of the morning. ############################# Section 7 - Ubercraft Granite ############################# "Da da da da, Inspector Gadget, da da da da da da da, doo doo" ---- (Author's Note: Most of the rocks are dead now. But I saw 'The Hunt For Red October' the other night on TV, and I figured on a submarine battle at the end of this part of the series, a sort of grande finale to start it all off with, so to speak. The bad submarine, that's probably property of a synangogue or some evil rabbi's, is being manned by the bad rocks and that guy who..anyway, more on him later. Back to the story) "Dive!" Adric commanded, and they pushed the button that made the submarine dive. "Battle stations!" T-Bone yelled, as he ran from the aft to the stern, "Push the button that fires the torpedo's!" Some torpedos came out of the good submarine, and hit the bad submarine. (Note: I was planning a clever pun on the Beatles' song "We All Live In A Yellow Submarine" by having T-bone and all them on a yellow submarine, and they were going to sing the song and all that, but I couldn't think of a way to work it in. Maybe something will be ready when we have the next submarine fight. Sorry) All this water was rushing in the holes in the bad submarine, and the rocks were slowly starting to drown, as was the guy who pushed in front of one of the authors in the baker's down the road and BOUGHT THE LAST FUCKING STEAK AND MUSHROOM PIE!!! AND WHAT DOES NICK HAVE TO HAVE, BECAUSE THIS PERSON EITHER A) WAS TOO STUPID TO KNOW WHAT A LINE WAS, HOW TO RECOGNISE ONE AND WAIT OR B) WAS TOO SNOBBY TO ACTUALLY TAKE A PLACE BEHIND NICHOLAS, OH NO, WE DON'T WANT THAT, CAN'T HAVE SOMEONE BE FAIR? NICK HAD TO HAVE A FRIGGING STEAK AND ONION PIE!!! It was still pretty nice, though... Anyway, that guy drowned with all the other rocks, as well as some Hindu's who were probably worshiping something in the engine room seeing as their religion wasn't as good as my one. "Yeah, we sure got them, didn't we, T-Bone?" Razor said. "Yeah, we sure got the bastards, didn't we?!" Adric said "Yeah" said Razor, as the TARDIS materialised, and T-Bone and Razor and Adric all got in and time travelled away.... ******** Epilogue ******** "It's time for Animaniacs, and we're zany to the max, so just sit down and relax, you'll laugh till you collapse, we're Animaniacs!" --- The rocks all sat there on the floor of the ocean. Waiting... --- And so we come to the end of Part One (Kats In Black) of our fabulous new series - 'unHIP'. Stay tuned for upcoming parts of the serial, featuring more action and adrenalin rushes than you'd find in most of the other crap stories on the archive. If you liked this story, and want to join our cult status by writing a section yourself, then you're more than welcome (although you probably won't be as good as us), but don't let that stop you trying.