A Typical Exercise in Apprehending a Criminal
By Nathan Stanley
Email: stanley-n001@mymail.mssu.edu
Rating: E
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: SWAT Kats is a trademark of Hanna-Barbera. “The
Color of Money” is a British television game show and is owned by its
respective trademarks; I just attempted to Americanize it by slightly changing
the format of the game. Also, I just felt obligated to mention it to make the
point that it offered cash, and cash has its evil side.
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“The Color of Money” had a reputation for being the most stressful
game show on mega-television. 20 ATM cards. 20 ATM machines, each with a different
amount from $10,000 to $200,000. No two machines had the same amount, and all
amounts were randomly placed by a third-party. The idea was to bank an amount
of greater or equal value to the ATM card’s limit. With each $10,000 increment
withdrawal, a player could bank that money or continue. Overdrafting a machine
meant one lost all the money in that machine and risked losing the game. No
wonder Megakat City was always on the edge of their seats whenever someone tried
to conquer the ATMs.
Each ATM had a different color, hence the show’s title, and after 10 machines
were played, the player was offered 1/10 of the total amount they had banked
if they felt they didn’t bank enough money. If they rejected the offer
and found out they had not banked enough, they went home with nothing. If they
banked enough money, they won it all. Because the amount of money banked was
doubled if the contestant banked the exact amount the ATM had to offer, they
became an instant winner if, during the course of the game, their total amount
banked reach $1 million.
But, the show itself was enough to convince the typical villains of the city
to slither up a scheme; that’s the reason I mentioned this in the first
place. Cash was a temptation enough. But, since Dark Kat was doing time, Dr.
Viper was dead (from a mutagen accident), and Madkat’s spirit was in hell,
many had to be content with all these new criminals. The recent crime wave was
proof enough. Bank after bank and ATM after ATM became clean as a kitchen floor
after mopping it.
“Who could this new villain possibly be?” the citizens of Megakat
City asked one another.
T-Bone and Razor asked this question to themselves one day while on patrol.
“Hey, buddy,” T-Bone began. “You heard all about those bank
robberies, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I have, T-Bone,” said Razor. “If my memory serves me
correctly, that new game show, ‘The Color of Money,’ explains the
robberies. Whoever is doing the robbing apparently was one of that show’s
staffers gone bad. Fortunately, it wasn’t the host of the game, Dick Mashtino.”
“Wonder if he knows anything about the crime wave?”
“We could ask. Besides, I’m getting a radar signal, and it’s
acting up.” The radar on Razor’s screen pinpointed Mashtino’s
house.“Let’s investigate.”
“Roger!” T-Bone flew the jet towards where Mashtino’s home,
where Mashtino seemed to be at the mercy of a pistol.
The criminal holding the gun had him pinned to the front door and was heard
to say in his mafia-like voice, “This is your last chance, Mashtino. Your
money, your job, or your life! Tell me what that safe of yours is, or you’ll
be sorry.”
“No!” Mashtino yelled. “I’ll never tell! I’ll
never give you the combination!”
“All right, if you say so!” The criminal prepared himself, put his
finger on the trigger, and was about to fire when the sound of the Turbokat
distracted him. “Who dares disturb such an intriguing moment?” he
shouted.
T-Bone landed the Turbokat in the streets, opened the cockpit, then front-flipped out with Razor onto the ground. With their gloveatrixes aimed like guns, the SWAT Kats made their march over to the front porch.
“Stop, in the name of the law!”
“Okay, what’s with the get-up, Morelli?” the criminal sneered,
aiming his comment at Razor and mistaking him for someone else.
“My name is not Morelli!” Razor shouted. “It’s Razor!”
“And, mine is T-Bone!” T-Bone growled. “We’re the SWAT
Kats, and we demand to know why you are killing the host of ‘The Color
of Money!’”
“I told you, Morelli, this is my territory!” the criminal sneered
again, blowing smoke out of his cigar. “Since you didn’t listen,
I’m going to rub you out. See? Yeah. Out. See? Out. See? Out!” He
continued to blow smoke, but Razor was prepared with his oxygen mask.
This was just enough time for T-Bone to grab Mashtino and get him to safety.
“Good thing Konway taught me judo,” Razor said to himself. “I’ll
try it!” He proceeded to do a black-belt move in judo, grabbed the criminal,
and threw him towards T-Bone, who grabbed him, twirled him in the air, and threw
him on the ground.
Just then, Commander Feral pulled up. “What’s going on here?”
he bellowed.
“Ah, Commander.” T-Bone snapped to attention just as if a drill
sergeant called for it. “We caught this mafia gangster attempting to kill
Mr. Mashtino here. You may recognize him as the host of ‘The Color of
Money.’”
“I do,” the commander nodded. “Take him over to H.Q. and imprison
him while I get the facts from Mr. Mashtino here.”
“Yes, sir!” said the SWAT Kats with a salute.
They got back in their jet, tied the criminal to a rope that was hanging from
the bottom of the jet, and flew over to Enforcer H.Q., where Lt. Feral was waiting
for them. She captured him from a free-fall while the Sergeant watched with
intensity. Later, she found a cell for him and locked him in.
Meanwhile, back at Mashtino’s house, Feral was doing his duties by asking
some questions. “What was that guy doing to you by holding you at gunpoint?”
With tears in his eyes, Mashtino replied, “It was because of my show.
He wanted my job, but I beat him to it, and the public didn’t like his
opinions he used to place in the Megakat City Times, so he turned to crime and
wanted revenge on me. His name is John Clay.”
“John Clay, you say?” replied Commander Feral in shock. “He’s
wanted in all 50 states across the country! Apparently, he’s robbed enough
banks in 20 states to where he’s racked up $6.42 trillion; the other 30
just automatically placed him on their wanted lists. Can you tell me anything
specific about your show that helped him plot his strategy?”
“I’m not sure if our show was entirely the reason, but I know for
a fact he used a color code. Each of our 20 ATMs is a different color, and each
holds a randomly-placed $10,000 increment up to $200,000, and no two ATMs have
the same amount. Not even I know which amount is in which ATM. If the fact each
is a different color was enough to get him to color-code the states, then it
all makes sense. In fact, here’s a list I was given by my producer, Josh
P. Ondick, that has the color for each state.”
“Let me see that for a second.” The commander looked at the list.
It was a true story indeed that only 20 states had been robbed. It read as follows:
* Red = Arizona
* Orange = Missouri
* Yellow = New York
* Green = Maine
* Blue = California
* Purple = Alabama
* Pink = Georgia
* Brown = Kentucky
* Black = New Jersey
* White = Oregon
* Gold = Tennessee
* Amber = West Virginia
* Silver = South Carolina
* Gray = North Dakota
* Cyan = South Dakota
* Navy = Rhode Island
* Emerald = Oklahoma
* Magenta = Kansas
* Robin’s egg blue = Arkansas
* Chartreuse = Washington (state)
“Yep,” said Commander Feral. “That’s 20 states whose
banks have been cleared of everything, even the cobwebs from spiders. What motivated
him to rob these banks as it is while acting like someone from the mafia?”
“He’s had behavior problems all his life,” said Mashtino,
“and I think he’s really a modern-day Don Quixote. He can’t
distinguish between fantasy and reality.”
“Well, for a Don Quixote, he certainly can rob banks of all their worth.
My two comrades, the SWAT Kats, whom you have to thank for saving your life,
have him in prison, and my Sergeant is on guard duty. You don’t have to
worry for a while.”
“Thank you.” Mashtino walked back inside his house, locked the door,
and went to his room to lay down for a while.
Commander Feral got back inside his sedan and drove to H.Q. to do his duties there.
As for the SWAT Kats, they celebrated their latest apprehension by going over
to their favorite hamburger place, Burger Bop, but not before T-Bone, as mild-mannered
Chance, stopped by Papa Perkin’s Comic Stop to pick up the latest issue
of the Kat Kommandos.
THE END