Entry in a boy's E-mail adress book, Deargod@heaven.com To type, or not to type, that is the.. Oh, hi! Merry Christmas, although I know that by the time YOU read this, it will be too late, I started typing at 1.48 p.m. on Christmas Day. I am in Malaysia, and LIVE here for all you curious out there. No, I did not emigrate, I've lived here all my life. In fact, I've never even LEFT here all my life. Yes, I have not been overseas, unless you consider Singapore overseas from a Malaysian point of view. Don't know where Malaysia is? SHAME ON YOU! Don't you know that Malaysia is the largest producer of rubber, tin, and, at one time, PETROLEUM in the world? It is(for all you ignorant people out there) located in south-east Asia. When you look at a map of the world, you can see it jutting out from underneath Thailand and just a little south-west of Vietnam. For all of you who have read my previous stories, you probably noticed that they are dramatic and have a lot of action. Too much actually. So I've decided to type something different this time. Buckle your seat belt, grab a two-ton box of popcorn(buttered preferably), strap on a BPV and your crash helmet, scuba equipment and gun, sit back, put your feet on the computer-table, get your keyboard/mouse ready, and here we go! THE NOT-SO-DIVINE COMEDY PART ONE:INVITATIONS 'If you don't send the invitations, no one will come.'-Calvin Wong Jake sat at his computer, typing and printing out invitation cards to the Christmas party they were having at the salvage yard. Congratulations _____________________ You have been invited to a Christmas party at the Megakat Salvage and Auto Yard, Date: 25/12/97 Time:1.00 a.m. Activities: Bonk the baddie, Nuke-the-guy-who-got-in-your-way-last-decade-for-fun, Crash the Turbokat, Fry the fish flambe, Q&A on any topic, and many others. Cc: Commander Feral, Lt. F. Feral, Lt. S. Higgins, Chance Furlong, Jake Clawson, Ariel K. Clawson, Kristina Clawson, Kate Clawson, Evette Clawson, Elizabeth Clawson,(Jake's mother) Razor, T-bone, Callie Briggs, Mayor Manx, Dr. Viper, Dark Kat, Mac Mange, Molly Mange, Madkat, Some cute kat that Chance met last night. Jake finished the last set of cards and put them in their respective envelopes. He out the stamps on and was about to mail them when he had a doubt. Quickly he ripped open the envelopes, flipped the cards onto a scanner, scanned them in, and then threw them into the dustbin. Then he E-mailed the invitations to each recipient. He had a doubt. Canceling the E-mails, he re-printed the invitation cards, replaced them into envelopes, put stamps on them and was about to mail them when he had a doubt. Sighing, he tore up the cards and picked up the phone. Suddenly he had a doubt. (Repeat above steps twice.) PART TWO: LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN! 'Be happy, or else!.'-Andrew Matthews Everyone had arrived, and the eggnog was flowing. Kristina and Sami didn't mind the work, but the fact that they only produced two gallons a minute was not satisfying. 'Everyone in Megakat City must be here tonight' Sami got some more eggs from the ever-so-useful magic chicken that Jake had gotten for her this Christmas. 'Actually, they are.' Kristina pointed out. Meanwhile, in the living room, a shooting competition was going on with paintball guns and the bad guys as the targets, (well, actually, with one good guy, unless you consider Commander Feral a bad guy) Jake didn't abide by the rules (then again, who does) and had used a paintball revolver instead of the standard gun that everyone else used. Apart from the paintball semi-automatic, the paintball machine gun, the paintball uzi, the paintball shotgun, the paintball M-16, the paintball grenade, the paintball bazooka, the paintball homing missile and the paintball A-bomb, Jake's weapon was the only one off-regulation. But no one killed him for it, at least not yet. Needless to say, the competition was a blast, and I do mean, a blast! PART THREE: LET THE CELEBRATIONS END! 'All good things must come to an end'-Some dead guy. The party ended with a special appearance of the Swatkats, though everyone got suspicious when Jake and Chance left the room and the Swatkats came in only moments later. However it was all forgotten when T-bone and Razor showed everyone how their glovatrixes worked, mainly because T-bone accidentally launched a mini-thermonuclear charge and blew everyone else away. A few survived, Dr. Viper, and the rest of the villains composing of most of them. (how is it the bad guys always live through) So everyone went home to get ready for the Annual October fest next week. (Take a hint) PART FOUR: JAKE'S AILMENT 'There is one good thing about becoming sick. The guarantee that, eventually, you shall become well again!'-Moi! Jake had a major problem. Big time. He was coming down with the, no, it's unspeakable, to even think it would jinx every single kat on this planet. Chance took him to many doctors, all failed to cure him of this terrible thing called the, *gasp* what am I saying? It's too horrible to tell, to say it would cause great agony and pain. It was the much dreaded condition, that ALL of us have had before, yes, ALL. We have all experienced this thing called, the forbidden-to-say, *gasp* hiccups! 'I 'hic' think that 'hic' we should 'hic' find a way to 'hic' cure these 'hic' 'hic' hiccups of 'hic' mine.' 'You're telling me. Got any suggestions?' 'Hic' 'Scare me.' 'Ooookay, lemme think.' Chance sits (or stands) deeply in thought. Suddenly he snaps his fingers. 'Alright, listen up. This oughta scare anybody.' 'I really 'hic' hope 'hic' so.' 'We've destroyed our rainforests to nearly nothing, almost every body of water on this planet is polluted, we've burned a hole in the ozone layer the size of the Pacific Ocean, and to top it all off, radiation poisoning is killing us off slowly but surely.' 'I mean, 'hic' surprise me.' 'That doesn't scare you? Boy, you are cynical, Jake.' PART FIVE: THE CURING OF JAKE CLAWSON. 'No matter how bitter, no matter how painful, no matter how revolting the cure is, the disease is always ten times worse.'-Calvin Wong, Ph.D. M.D. Dea.D. 'Try drinking lots of water.' 'How 'hic' much?' 'I'd say, by the looks of those hiccups, about fifty gallons should be enough.' 'Yeah, 'hic' great. 'Hic' just great.' Jake was sarcastic even to the last. 'Here, this should be alright.' Chance came in carrying a hose. 'Where did 'hic' you get 'hic' this 'hic' hose?' 'Megakat City Fire Department. They sent a fire-truck over. Do you want it with or without foam? With is a thousand bucks, without is nine-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents.' 'Without, 'hic' thank you very much.' Two hours and fifty-two thousand gallons later.... 'I 'hic' seriously 'hic' think that 'hic' I've 'hic', had enough.' 'Come on Jake, just a couple gallons more.' 'I mean 'hic' it Chance.' 'Hey, did you see the paper? It says 'Megakat city as dry as a bone due to unknown causes. The Enforcers are currently looking into the problem.' 'That's 'hic' just 'hic' great.' 'How 'bout eating lots of sugar?' PART SIX: JAKE IS CURED (FINALLY) 'All diseases will indefinitely have either of two endings. It could go away, or, it could kill you.'-Someone who wishes to remain anonymous. Jake woke up the next morning to find himself cured of the dreaded hiccups. Racing into the hallway, he screamed, 'I'm cured, I'm cured, I'm cured!' Suddenly Chance jumped him from behind, causing him to fall to the floor. 'Did I cure you?' 'Hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic,.......' was Jake's only response. PART SEVEN: DAVID LITTERBIN'S TOP TEN REASONS..... David Litterbin's top ten reasons why I took a job as a comedian. 10. I'm funny (duh!) 9. The wages go from here to Alpha Centauri. 8. All the crazy, famous, infamous and 'interesting' people I meet. 7. MBC was at my feet, begging me to take over Jim Karry, so how could I turn down a promise of fame and fortune? (Not to mention all the cute she-kats I see on this show.) 6. The great pickup line, 'Hey, ya' know, I could get you rich and famous on my TV show.' 5. I get to heckle, distract, put down, insult and humiliate people in front of the whole world, and I don't get fired! 4. The fact that the director swore that this job would give me a future as bright as the north star, and a pocket that bulges like a full bean bag. 3. No clown suit. 2. I can fix my own appointments. 1. What else, the satisfaction of seeing other comedians fall before my very existence, due mostly to the fact that once I collect my paycheck, there isn't any left for them! PART EIGHT: ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN EPILOGUE Well, sad to say, I'm on my way, Won't be back for many a text doc, My heart is down, my head is rolling around, I have to leave this little place called DJ Clawson's Fanfic Archive…. Oh, hi! I didn't see you there. So, as they say all good, or bad, things must come to an inevitable, mot to mention painful, end. Thank you Nick Ball, for inspiring this 'comedy' of mine. Also to Jade F. Callan for her inspiration of characters and *ahem* 'situations.' Alf, for my borrowing of Marcus Greene, DJ Clawson, for my borrowing of her disk space, Don Redmond for deeper insight into some of the more 'leisurely' moments of Enforcer lives. And to tED tURNER, no thanks for you, you pathetic little*************************************************************** ** ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* This*censorship*service*provided*by*Nasionet*this*guy*is*a*nutcase!** ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* ************************************** jerk! Comments? Suggestions? E-mail me at: globemanet@ppp.nasionet.net Advertisement. I am looking for an author to co-author a story with me. If you are interested, see E-mail above. Send personal information (Real name, age and location.) along with a copy of a story you have written, or if you have stories on DJ Clawson's Archive, tell me the name of that particular story. I will consider anyone, young or old, regardless of social status or race. You could be God, or a poor beggar in the street, but if you are interested and know about SK, I'll take you. In every story that comes out of my hard disk, they all have Jake as the main character. I've decided to change that. So folks, sit back and get ready for, ARIEL'S WORLD Remember at all times that Ariel is a) Two feet three inches tall. b) One year old. c) Telekinetic. d) Telepathic. Ariel awoke, ready for a new day. Opening the gate that separated her from the out side world, she walked out slowly but surely. Get ready world, here comes Ariel Kranen Clawson. Striding out of the bedroom, she found her father and his partner working on a car. Deciding not to disturb them, she made her way to the kitchen. Opening the fridge. She pondered over the contents. Milk and some cookies would suffice. Taking them she poured the milk into her bowl on the floor and the cookies she took from the jar and set them down on the floor. Closing the fridge and replacing the cookie jar lid, she reached down and was about to take the cookies when a copper colored paw snatched them away. Looking up, she hissed playfully at her father. 'So this is why you're so heavy.' Jake replaced the cookies and smacked Ariel's paw lightly. 'Hmmph.' 'No sympathy from me Ariel, until you stop abusing your powers.' 'Meanie.' 'I mean it Ariel.' Ariel laughed at herself and started to lap up her milk. She was reaching the age at which she could stand, but she still preferred all fours. Later, Ariel leapt onto the couch and turned on the television. Flipping through channels with the remote, she settled down to watch The Flintstones. Halfway through the episode, she heard an argument in the salvage yard outside. Switching it off, she jumped off the couch and landed neatly on her paws. Running towards the yard, she saw her father and uncle Chance having a fight with Burke and Murray. She saw Burke give her father a punch on the jaw, and her rage burned within her. Concentrating, she turned the ignition key in the dump truck. 'What the..' Murray said. 'Our truck!' Ariel brought the truck backwards, out of the yard and onto the road, where it crashed into an Enforcer Cruiser approaching the yard. 'Ooops.' Ariel giggled as she saw, of all people, Commander Feral get out of the car. 'Burke and Murray. You are going to have a serious pay cut.' 'But, but Commander..' 'I don't want to hear it. You probably left the hand brake off and let the truck roll out of the yard, straight into my car.' Feral turned and took out a celphone from his jacket. Jake and Chance went to take a look at his car. From the lobby, Ariel could see Chance shaking his head, and her father talking to Feral about the car. Burke and Murray were discussing something in the far corner of the yard. Smiling furiously, Ariel went back to the TV, wondering if Jonny Quest was on... Ariel looked at the time and decided that it was time for lunch. Jumping up onto a chair, she straightened her back and picked up the sardine sandwich. As she ate, she listened to Jake's conversation with Chance. 'Burke and Murray are sure gonna pay for this. I wonder how it happened though...' 'I don't have a clue' her father lied, winking at Ariel. She smiled, and finished her sandwich. 'Excuse me.' Ariel said as she jumped off the chair and bounded off to Jake's room. The library awaited. Jake had a surprisingly large collection of books stored away in his cupboard. Opening it, Ariel took out one she had wanted to read for a long time, but had been stuck on Treasure Island. She opened it and started to read. 'Call me Ishmael. With little or no money....' Ariel noted she was at page twenty-two, and closed the book. Replacing it in the drawer, she stretched, noting the satisfying cracks she felt in her spine. Yawning, she headed back to the dining room, where she heard an Enforcer Cruiser coming into the yard. To Ariel, that meant only one thing. 'Mother!' She cried as she bounded up into Sami's lap, causing her mother to drop her file. Sami hugged her back, then put her down and picked up the file. 'I missed you mother.' 'I missed you too, honey.' Sami tucked the file neatly under her arm and picked up her daughter. Putting her over her shoulder, Sami walked into the living room where Jake was making halibut stew. Sami put Ariel down on a chair. Jake scooped up the stew into plates and then brought them over to the table. Ariel then realized how hungry she was and ate up, licking her plate clean. She asked for dessert, but was told to wait for everyone else. That was alright. Ariel was patient. 'So, Sami, how much is an average Enforcer Cruiser?' 'About thirty thousand, but it's provided by the Enforcers once you get up to Lieutenant. Why?' Chance was trying very hard not to laugh and Jake stifled a giggle as he came up with his next question. 'Felina, how much is your Uncle's Cruiser?' 'What are we doing, Q&A with Riz Khan?' 'Just answer, how much is your uncle's Cruiser?' 'Around fifty thousand, with all the upgrades and tinkering he's done with it.' Jake turned to Chance. 'How much do Burke and Murray earn?' 'About two hundred monthly.' Chance was still trying very hard not to laugh. 'With fifty percent off, that means, fifty months, which is, About four years paying off their debt to Commander Feral. 'What about?' 'His Cruiser.' 'What about his Cruiser?' Chance could not help himself any longer. Pounding the table, he burst into hysterical laughter. Sami cocked at him. 'What's so funny, Jake?' Sami found herself asking. 'Go take a look in that pile outside.' Sami and Felina went there and came back in a couple of minutes. 'THAT was my uncle's Cruiser? That pile of junk, my Uncle's Cruiser?' 'Yep.' 'What happened, a dump truck ran into it?' 'Erm, you could say that.' Ariel was so hysterical with laughter, she excused herself, running off back to her cot. When she reached it, she fell on the floor and burst into rapturous laughter at the set-up she had created. Ariel never slept until she wanted to, another trait she had picked up as a dragon. She estimated that it was about eleven o' clock. Suddenly, she heard a rustling in the bed beside her. 'Sami?' 'Hmmmm?' 'How was your day?' 'Terrible. First the crime in MK City rises to astronomical levels, and then seventeen different criminals bust out of seventeen different jails all at the same time. It was like they synchronized it or something.' 'Really? Let me make you feel better.' Ariel heard more rustling and the sound of passionate kisses coming from above her. Flipping a mental coin, she decided to leave her parents alone. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep.